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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Frailty, thy name is woman.

I'm feeling much better today.

For the past few days I've been having some major blues, and I couldn't figure out why. It could be the weather, but it shouldn't be, because I did go out and although it felt like minus 40 degrees Celsius outside, the sun was bright.

I was in a trance when I took the bus home yesterday, when I realized it the bus already went past a few stops from where I was supposed to get off. So I stayed on the bus, and I felt a sense of calm delight as it drove past the frozen lake covered in snow, into the neighborhood. I felt like I was one with the universe. I felt strong. I felt peace. I felt hope.

But later at night the depression struck again. Guilt and inferiority engulfed me, and told me how I should have practiced more discipline and worked harder for a better future. How I could have handled every single event that happened in the past better. I had all those motivational sayings and optimistic philosophies in my head, but at that point none sounded convincing enough. I felt helpless, and I was in pain, and I didn't even know what initiated it. Have you ever felt so tired of living, and of life? Perhaps life is just painful by nature. Perhaps we were all born to die.

Perhaps it was just the hormones fucking with me, making me bipolar.

Anyway, I'm already feeling much better today.

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