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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Mood swings

There is something to be said about the surrealism of listening to songs that remind you of beach and penthouse parties while you are actually at home, putting on layers to keep warm whilst trying to churn out some homework so that you don't miss any deadlines.

Have you ever noticed how melancholy feelings seem to just come and go? The roller-coaster that seems to go on within your rib cage. At one point, you feel like angels have lent you their wings, and you could just stretch every feather and reach for the skies. While on another, you crave for the very ground that your feet stand on to cave in and swallow you whole, demanding that you suffocate and inhale dirt while you cast your gaze on the fast disappearing sun.

I dream of the ability to just swim in my emotions, to take a look around and wonder, how exactly is it possible for one to feel the clashes of the irony of each feeling. At every corner, you might find a new sensation and head towards pure bliss; but take a wrong corner, you might end up in anxiety.

All I know to do now is to sense my emotions. I don't know yet how to explore them fully. I'm basically at the tip of my emotional iceberg. Although admittedly, there are some that I am so immersed in that I might spew heart-strings.

Never forget the taste of what's delicious, for when you take away the sweetness, what's left is the sour.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Song ruined: Self

So I got bored and made the first ever self-recorded YouTube cover. Yay achievement unlocked.

Please use earphones for higher clarity. Also for my flaws to sound more obvious wtf.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Frailty, thy name is woman.

I'm feeling much better today.

For the past few days I've been having some major blues, and I couldn't figure out why. It could be the weather, but it shouldn't be, because I did go out and although it felt like minus 40 degrees Celsius outside, the sun was bright.

I was in a trance when I took the bus home yesterday, when I realized it the bus already went past a few stops from where I was supposed to get off. So I stayed on the bus, and I felt a sense of calm delight as it drove past the frozen lake covered in snow, into the neighborhood. I felt like I was one with the universe. I felt strong. I felt peace. I felt hope.

But later at night the depression struck again. Guilt and inferiority engulfed me, and told me how I should have practiced more discipline and worked harder for a better future. How I could have handled every single event that happened in the past better. I had all those motivational sayings and optimistic philosophies in my head, but at that point none sounded convincing enough. I felt helpless, and I was in pain, and I didn't even know what initiated it. Have you ever felt so tired of living, and of life? Perhaps life is just painful by nature. Perhaps we were all born to die.

Perhaps it was just the hormones fucking with me, making me bipolar.

Anyway, I'm already feeling much better today.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

MSA Graduation Night '13

MSA = Malaysian Students Association. This was held in April last year before most seniors graduated in May (spring graduation). I waited until now to blog about it because the three people closest to me in Madison only graduated last month (winter graduation)!

I totally ruined the song. Ughhh. We didn't get the chance to rehearse so.... #defensive

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Hi, 2014

So yeah. The previous post is just a summary of things I've done in 2013 with no mention of any personal growth I have gone through. Because jaded it might sound, to me there really wasn't any that's spectacular enough to elaborate on, just the typical— I've become tougher, wiser, more confident, more appreciative towards what I have and clearer about what I want to have. Period.

I still have emotions that go up and down, and I'm still insecure and unsure about a lot of things, and simultaneously excited and afraid about the future. But life's like this isn't it. I think we all swing between states of happiness and fear, satisfaction and laziness, pride and insecurity. Only non-living systems stay in the same state, until they are programmed to fall apart. If you are alive, and not under the influence of pharmaceuticals that claim to make you well, you are going to have to feel all these things.

There are lots of other things I'd like to say, but I don't have the ability to put them into words right now. Too ephemeral. Too inconclusive. Can see, can't define.