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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The One

Our conversation wasn't exactly like how I typed it actually, it was much longer (we talked about a very much wider range of stuff but that's between me and him, and not quite related to what I want to talk about in this post), and was possibly in a tone different from how you might imagine it when you read it (or different from the tone I intended to present to you; all writers do this). Of course I know it will cause people to have an inaccurate assumption of our relationship (just like how most people think my life only consists of the parts they know about), but what values of these people's thoughts have on my life anyway. So why should I care. *shrug*

Anyway, the next morning I was thinking about the conversation we had, and by the end of a Grignard experiment, this sudden realization stroke me.

That most people have this fantasy about finding The One. But the truth is, when people say The One, they mean The Ideal One. And like all other adjectives, the word ideal is subjective and relative.

The Ideal One is never The Ideal One, there will always be a More Ideal One out there; c'mon, there are 7 billions people on earth, of course there will be someone more ideal than the one you're currently with. It's just a matter of whether you're lucky enough to meet this More Ideal One within the short span of your time on earth, and whether the situation allows you to spend the rest of life with this More Ideal One, after your life paths reach that intersection point. (you can disagree with me on this, but you can never prove me wrong until you get to know every single person on earth well enough to make a fair and reliable comparison to tell whether your current partner is The Most Ideal One... so there.)

What I'm trying to say here, is that it depends on your perception whether The One is This One, or The Next One, or will never exist, or applies to a few individuals (The Ones?). It's all in your head.

Hence if you ask me how I would define The One, I would say: The One is that one decision you make and stick with until your last breath.

It takes many factors to have that one decision (=commitment) to be made and maintained, and one among the factors is experiences with people

"Oh so basically you two are too young to tell." Sure, no matter how I'd refuse the label 'too young' (which reads 'immature' to me, and denial is not because of ego, I dare say that I've already acquired my maturity today since at least five years ago, but you can argue that it means I haven't grown since five years ago despite having gone through all these significant life events), I can't avoid it due to my age, heck, I'm only fucking 22, and since I don't believe in absolutes, you could be right. To think about it, it's applicable to him (I'm his first love/girlfriend), and it makes sense.

I'm more sure of the decision I am making only because I've had enough experiences to tell whether it's worth risking it (I'm not gonna tell you how many romantic relationships I've had in the past, and though you might wanna regard all my past relationships or even this current one to be just puppies' love, I assure you that I've been through enough hardships to be making this statement), but yeah he's right, how can one ever be too sure. Humans are such fickle-minded creatures.

Five years ago, I'd tell you that the relationship that's meant to be is a relationship you don't have to struggle and try really hard to make it work. 

If you ask me now, I'll still give the same answer. (surprise?)

As many a love movie, show, book or even life experience would tell you repeatedly, loving someone does not necessarily mean that you would end up with them. It also involves dozens of other factors, mostly obstacles

You might say: But if you really love her, distance/time/age/etc. won't matter right? 

It does. Not on how much you love the person, but on whether or not you stay/end up with them.

Whether or not this person is The One depends on your willingness to make it through the obstacles. Then again, 'struggles' is subjective and relative, and thus can carry a different meaning at different points in your life, our priorities in life is constantly changing, which is why our willingness to make a relationship work can change from time to time. 

At the risk of a tautology, love is the thing that makes all those negative things– distances, bad looks and cost bearable. Sometimes you will love something/someone so much, for certain reasons, that even with some negatives (or what many would say is a negative), or even the loss of certain positive traits, they will both be nothing compared to how much you love them. It's the positives (love) that keep people that have been married for 60 years when the looks, virility, fertility, and other things that might have caused you to start that relationship, have all gone.

If I go by my earlier definition of The One— the person you pick and stick with until your last breath (and it gotta be mutual too?), I guess people can never tell if someone is The One until the moment they kick the bucket.

So I think having the willingness and courage to make such a commitment count, and would suffice.

My relationship with wsk is still far from ideal, I hate his gaming addiction and how he occasionally yells at me when I interrupt his games, he hates my shopaholic behaviors and how I buy things he claims I don't need, I hate his lack of hygiene, he hates my anxiety issues, I hate that he eats meat and he hates that I don't eat meat (I follow a pesceteranian diet) because it makes meal choice hard, we both hate each other for being over-sensitive sometimes (rarely, but still), and I hate how he always wants to lick my face (because I hate to have my face licked!!!). All these flaws might persist, and more flaws might pop up in the future, but it makes my relationship with him lovely and fun. Most importantly, being in a relationship with him has always made me happy, because giving him unpredictable whacks with plush toys when he sleeps gives me a sort of divine contentment.

Of course, even with all the reasons I think are reasons, it still doesn't mean that I have to think of him as The One now, and certainly I don't have to love him always, but I just want to.

ps: The paragraphs in brown are copied from this post he wrote a year ago.


  1. Hi there,

    Just wondering what you mean by there are 7 million people on Earth?


    1. *billions. Corrected, thanks. Haha