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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

His worries

Surely you can tell that all those photo-only artsy posts last week were just filler posts (although I really do like those artwork), I didn't have time to actually sink and write some wordy ones. Kitty came back, hence I finally got out of my class-lab-home routine and was hanging around town a bit more. We had some mind-intriguing conversations I wanted to share right after but didn't because I had problems organizing my thoughts, but the more I drag, the more likely I will just let it slip, so I guess I better try my best to have it written down now.

On Sunday night, we were lazing on the bed talking about some unimportant stuff. At one point Kitty fell into silence, and was staring at the ceiling, so I asked him why he looked like there's something on his mind.

"I'm just worried."

"About what."



Silence for a moment, then he flipped around, and looked me in the eyes.

"What if there is someone else better for you, and someone else better for me?"

"For god's sake there are 7 billions people in the world, of course there will always be someone else better out there. It's just whether you will be lucky enough to meet someone else better or not."

"So, what if one day either one of us meets someone else who makes a better match, and falls in love with that person?"

"You know I don't see a problem with polyamory. I'm fine with you loving someone else."

"What if I have to choose, and I choose her over you?"

"Then I will wish you happiness."

"But you will be sad."

"I'm used to being heart-broken. I'm tough. And I can always find someone else. Life moves on. So you really shouldn't be worried. But I know that people are always afraid to know that one day they might not be loving the same person they love so much at the moment. That one day, they will stop loving and caring as much, and they are afraid of facing this aloofness they can have towards the person they used to love so much. Which is weird to me, because I never worried about this. Once I love someone, I love them for the rest of my life, whether or not we remain couple. Unless of course, if they no longer deserve my love."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Why would I be unsure? Aren't you also sure that you will always love me?"

He paused for a while, and looked away, "no, I'm not sure."

I was shocked. I've always thought otherwise. Silence prolonged, and tears started flooding my eyes.

"How can I be sure. Who I am five years from now will be different from who I am today, how can be I sure that the person I become will still love the same person I love today? I love you now, very much, and I want to always love you, but I can never guarantee that it will stay the same in the future, I can never be sure about the future."

"You are telling me the same things I used to hear from my ex. I thought you were different, that's why I picked you over him, aside from all other factors. Now you're telling me this... I don't understand. How can you be unsure of who you will become? It's totally your choice."

"How can you be sure? You never know what will happen to you, and how things might change you."

"I know. I control my life, I decide how events in my life change me, and I know who I will become. I will still be who I am, just wiser, stronger, happier, and better in every aspect. And I will still love you, because I've made my choice to."

"That's what you think now. People change, and you can never be too sure. So how can I give empty promises? I do want to love you forever now, but I can't promise you I will love you forever, it's something I can never be sure about. You cannot promise something you will never have full control upon."

"You sound exactly like him. To me it just sounded like he was trying to push me away, so I left. I don't understand where this mentality comes from. It simply means that you're not too sure whether I am the right one, because the moment you find a better match, you will leave me for her."

"Won't you choose the better one over me, if one day you meet him?"

"Love is not about choosing the better one, you can never know whom you can lead a better relationship or life with. So is every decision in life. You can never know which decision is better, because every single decision can have the same amounts of good and bad possibilities, and to me there is no such thing as a wrong decision. All decisions teach you some lessons, that's what matters. To me loving someone for life is to make a decision, stick to it and never look back."

"But you can always change your mind, and make another decision later."

"Why? Am I not good enough for you? Why are you telling me the same things that he has said to me over and over again?"

(I was already in tears at this point, crying is my reflex when I'm frustrated that I can't reason with someone. Also I was just shocked that this was coming out from him.)

"I'm just worried..."

"If you keep worrying, what you worry about will come true. You know how this works."

"But what if we're really not the right ones for each other, we should choose to be with the right ones and live our lives happier with the right ones... There will always be needs we have that can't be satisfied by each other, and there might be someone else who can satisfy these unsatisfied needs... I'm just worried that one day I will be forced to choose. I know human is capable of loving more than one person but what if one day you're forced to choose too?"

"Listen. I will never dump you over someone else okay, I will never pick the one who forces me to choose. Because forcing me to choose equals forcing me to hurt someone I deeply care for. I will never choose the one who would want me to hurt you."

"Okay, that's the deal. We will never dump each other for someone who forces us to hurt each other. And I probably should stop thinking too much too, just treasure what I have now and live the moment."

To be continued tomorrow, gotta catch some sleep.