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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dear Notty

Ah Mao, it has been exactly a year since you left us. How is heaven? I hope you're in fluffy place full of all your favorite food and toys, with all the kitty friends you never had during you life. If you have reincarnated, I hope you lead a good, long life; if you haven't, please reincarnate to be one of my future pet cats, preferably a ginger tabby again :) but however you look like, I will still love you as much as before :)

Ah Mao, mommy told me that a friend of hers who has many cats said we should have fed you with chicken liver when you were sick, because chicken liver always works wonders every time any of her cats got sick... so after you left, we have this white semi-pet cat and once she got very sick, close to dying, mommy and aunty fed her with chicken liver and she recovered. I wish we knew this trick earlier... if we tried on you and it worked, you could be still alive now :'(

Ah Mao, this friend of mommy's also said that the reason why you became grumpy and a little aggressive towards the rest of the family was because of my absence :( she said you understood what I was saying when I told you that I would bring you over with me to the US, and when I didn't, you felt unwanted and betrayed, then got sick due to sorrow and loneliness :( I know what she said is right, and my tears couldn't stop flowing after watching this... Was that how you felt?? :( :( :(

Maooo... I never meant to leave you, and I wasn't lying when I said I would bring you over... I really did plan to do so after I settled down in the US and found an apartment that allows pets. I never thought you couldn't wait that long :( I was too confident that you would still be around for at least another 10 years, and I had imagined so many times how you would welcome me home when I went back during winter break. I didn't know that your presence in my life would be so transient... I never expected that the day I left home for US was the last time I saw you.

Ah Mao, were you mad at me for not spending a proper farewell moment with you before I left? I'm so sorry ah mao... I didn't know why I never thought of just giving you a last hug for just a few seconds before I left, they were telling me that I gotta rush, grandma was crying, and the situation was a mess. You must be really mad at me when you found out that you would never see me again for the rest of your life... You must be so confused when you heard my voice every time I skyped home, and so disappointed when you thought I was back but couldn't find me anywhere in the house... I wish I could let you know what was going on every time you ran into my room to look for me. I wish there was a way I could tell you I never forget you and miss you everyday too, not any less than how you miss me :'(

Ah Mao... I really, really wish I had gone back last summer when you got sick. I wish I had been right beside you, taking care of you during your last days instead of being unable to do anything except helplessly praying on the other side of the planet... I wish I had thought of asking mom to put the phone beside your ear and let you hear my voice for one last time. I wish I had brought you along when I left Malaysia... Things would be so different if I brought you with me, you might not have caught the disease at all, and even if you did, the far more advanced vet service here would have been able to cure you and spare you another 10 years of life. Actually, things would be so different if we had you vaccinated when you were still a kitten... who would have thought that you would get infected when we never even let any stray cats come in contact with you? :(

It was all my fault. I shouldn't have taken any risk at all... How could I take away your freedom and keep you as a house cat but never did my job as your adopter?? Now you know... that after all, I was just a selfish human that exploited a small, helpless animal for my own happiness. I was nothing but just another disgrace to human kind.

Ah Mao, of course you have all the rights to be angry at me... but I hope that you don't be sad anymore, because I love you, I love you and miss you so much, I would do everything to make you the happiest cat if you ever come back to life! I still dream of you every now and then, and once I dreamed that we found you a ginger wife and with her you made many many little fluffy ginger kittens. I gave you and your family my whole bed and we live together happily ever after. My heart ached so much when I woke up and realized that it was just a dream :(

But Ah Mao, I guess you will never know how grateful I am for your presence in my life...

Thank you for waking me up every noon by making noise outside my room until I opened the door.
Thank you for surprising us with your creativity every time you did your business in a new place.
Thank you for killing cockroaches for me when I was the only one awake in the midnight.
Thank you for helping me disturb Donut every time he tried to do his homework.
Thank you for making walking up and down staircase extremely hard for us.
Thank you for forcing me to share almost all my food and drinks with you.
Thank you for the unexpected and unpredictable bites from time to time.
Thank you for appearing in front of me every time I called your name.
Thank you for the warmth when you snoozed in between my ankles.
Thank you for smelling the way you smell, and for being so fluffy.

Thank you for teaching me and my family how to love and care for a small creature unconditionally :)

We'll always miss you 阿猫. Rest in peace.

(recap stories of Notty HERE)

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