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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Taken for granted


"Hey do you keep in contact with xxx. How is he doing now."

"Not really. I haven't contacted him for quite long."

"How come. I thought you guys are like pretty close."

"Haa. And I thought you guys were even closer?" *raise eyebrow sarcastically*

"Duh. I thought so too, until he started making me feel that my existence is only remembered when help is needed from me. And the way he asked me to do things for him, god, what made him think I'm obliged to? Ridiculous."

"What did he want from you."

"To help him proofread and edit his assignment, when obviously the whole document he sent to me was directly CTRL+C from a website. That was the last straw. Earlier he had demanded me to write him the whole script for a competition he was gonna join. How can one be so lazy and thick-skinned? And hasn't he known me long enough to be able to tell that I hella despise academic misconducts?"

"And couldn't he tell that you're way busier than him?"

"Exactly."

"Remember how last time both of us kept asking him out to hang, altering the date and time so many times to accommodate him? He just kept giving excuses and in the end we met up without him. And then I saw him across the street with that gang... those 'cooler' people who had been manipulating him. We have done so much for him. Do we deserve this. Fucker."

"Yeah. I was the one who texted him everyday and counselled him when he was in his lowest point in life. And what did I get in return?"

"I've done a lot for him too. I was always there for him, in fact I was one of his few friends when that gang boycotted him. But he just keeps flying back to them like a moth. "

"You know what was the other thing that pissed me to death? Being questioned whether I want to spend all my life playing games and never settle down. Where did this question come from, even. I have been serious in relationships all the time, and every time I started one I treated it as the last one. It wasn't my fault that the earlier two didn't work out, I was heart-broken, and he knows it. And when I was pissed at his biased comment on my attitude towards relationship, he defended himself by saying that it was all because I never bother to explain to him deeply about this side of me. Good lord. He has known me for over a decade for God's sake, isn't it enough to give him an idea of who I am. And which part of my relationship stories implies that I am a player, seriously? It's either plain stupidity or ignorance."

"Perhaps our friendship with him was never a balanced one. All along it was mostly us giving and him receiving. And our topics surround mostly him, him, him. He never tried, or at least never hard enough, to find out more who we are and what we needs. Like I said, he has a 12-year-old mentality."

"Sigh. I can't stand bubbly, immature people."

"I don't mind my friends being bubbly and immature. But to cherish me and what I have done for them is the minimum requirement."

"Sometimes he sounded warm though. I think it's not that he doesn't cherish us, just that it's not as much as we expect him to, given that we think we have done so much for him."

"And the end result is, we will stop giving."




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"Gawd. I am so annoyed with everything she is doing, even though I don't actually have a valid reason to."

"Well, she is trying too hard to impress. And you do have a valid reason to. I figured out why. It's accumulated. We are just not as important to her as she claims."

"Or maybe because I have this feeling that... she doesn't need us? I feel like she is happier with her other friends. Sometimes I feel like we are just her 'substitute friends', like, when she can't find anyone else. I dunno. Like even I still have another circle of friends, and you still have other friends, but we know above all else you and i still have each other. I don't feel that way with her."

"Yeah, I can't help feeling that she only needs us as companions too... it just shallows our friendships for several levels."

"You did so many things for her, and you're under-appreciated. Like seriously, she claimed we are her closest friends? Even Jane texts me more than she does. I somehow want her to notice how we are feeling, but heck, I dunno how and I dunno whether it's appropriate."

"I'd like to assume that she should be able to smell it by now, but if she hasn't noticed, then be it."

"I dunno why I am so bitter with her. I tried to make her sense that I care less and less about her, but she is too ignorant to notice that."

"Of course, she is busy being a social butterfly. Truth is, it's hard to gain and maintain real friendships if you distribute your time and attention evenly but blindly to everyone— everyone who is worth your time and attention, and everyone who is not."

"But she hasn't really done things that hurt me so bad yet, hence I don't have legit reasons to be annoyed at her, but the circumstances just somehow justify how I feel."

"It's our experience with people. She is showing more and more traits similar to those people. And we learn our lessons, hence we're backing away first before things turn unfixably ugly."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"After all, close friends are never to be taken for granted."

"By the way, her face is really never a pleasant one to look at."








ps: Kalau tak makan cili, tak payahlah rase pedas :)

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