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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Half past 2013

♪ Recommended music background for this post: Swept Away by The xx

I know, it's summer and I should be blogging more. I thought I will be quite free too, sadly my schedule is not any less crazy than normal semester. Basically I have class + work from 7.30AM till 5.00PM, plus all the homework + revision at night, it spells l-e-t-h-a-r-g-y.

So last night I slept for 16 hours straight, which had not happened for a very long time. I think this implied how physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted I was/am.

WSK has gone to Brazil for a month now, three more weeks to go until he comes back. My house is messier than ever with Kylie's belongings and stuff from seniors piling up and occupying my whole living room. I am supposed to tidy up the entire apartment before WSK is back but I simply can't be bothered to. I'm perfectly fine with it as long as there is still room for me to walk around.

I am thinking to do a photo-shooting since the last time was almost a year ago, but my newly-sought photographer partner is now in a self-reflection period (i.e. emo phase) so we haven't discussed in depth yet. I already have some ideas in mind, but I will have to wait for him to get over that phase, or seek a new photographer partner, or do it myself (if Yutaki can do it, why can't I?). Problem is, I will have to either borrow or buy a DSLR camera. I don't think anyone will let me borrow something so expensive and treasured, which means I probably have to buy one if I want to do it, but I don't plan to invest in something I might rarely use. So this photo-shooting plan has to be postponed.

I deleted my private blog the day before my birthday, right before I went down to Chicago for some blasts. I knew I was gonna regret it, but I did it anyway. And I was right. I am regretting it so much now. I only had the blog for slightly more than 2 months, but it contains many casual writings from the side I never show to people publicly, and a lot of lovely pictures of myself in lingerie and in my bare skin. It was a lolita-themed (the book, not the fashion) space of taste and nudity where I allow myself to be stripped to the bones. Within 2 months I have accumulated up to 400 followers, more than half of them are females. I did receive some gross obscene photos occasionally, but the overall feedback was warm and comforting, it's like... a community with only understanding and no judgment.

It was My Nude Diary, literally and figuratively. And then I deleted the entire blog without any back-up. It is gone. 

I did not stop writing down my personal thoughts and emotions though, but I'm still thinking if I should publish them here. You see, this blog has been a very bimbotic one that only exposes the happy parts and the trivial details of my life, because I don't believe in, um, spreading negativity. But apparently studies show that listening to sad songs is therapeutic, so after I am done with this post I will give it a spur-of-the-moment consideration. I am not afraid of showing people my vulnerable side, I just... don't see the point. However, recently the question I frequently ask myself is no longer 'What for?' but rather 'Why not'. So we shall see.

Semi-annual sale is either taking place or coming soon, but I'm not in the mood of shopping... I was born with only a wooden spoon in my mouth, spending too much brings guilt to me, and being materialistic makes me feel shallow, even though the money I am spending now is not hard-earned pennies from my parents.

I think I am a little depressed.

WSK encourages me to go to the mall for some instant recharging. I told him I just want to sleep nowadays.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

I feel trapped.

Even in my dreams I am always running away. From reality into the arms of my ex-crushes, to relive the romance I never had with people I never owned.

What am I doing with my life?... I really don't have a good answer now.

Perhaps it's okay and normal to feel lost once in a while.

It makes breathing real.


  1. Hey, trust's college. Both going to school and working at the same time can really wear on you and can become quite depressing at times.

    When I was in college, I had no fun at all. It wasn't until I got out of college and got a job where I started to feel alive. You just need to stick it out and get your degree before you can live life to the fullest.

    Damn....NOW you tell me you had a personal blog!??? Now you got me depressed, thinking of what I missed. LOL

    1. Who invented this university system in the first place? *sigh*

      Haha. It was supposed to be a blog of anonymity anyway :)