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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Death of a friendship

Note: This blog post is dedicated to this one ex-friend who lost my friendship a month ago. I am blogging this out to as a reference for myself in case I face anything like this again in the future... Hopefully not.

Here goes.

I didn't want to blog about this, but you bug me for a "proper" explanation. I'm sorry don't have other better platform to do this, and any channel that allows you to respond would defeat my purpose of blocking you on FB, which is to not deal with you anymore. 

Hence I would not inform you that I have written this blog post. But if you happen to be informed by our mutual friend who see this, my only advise is, brace yourself before you read on.

First of all, you don't have to worry or ask around if I post anything bad about you on FB, the answer is no. You can take my words on this. If I want to reveal your true colors to everybody, I won't do it at your back. 

Because I am not afraid to let you find out.

I gave you options. You chose this. So I am telling you everything you want or might not want to know, because it seems that you are not aware of or do not remember shits you have done/said, and this post serves as a reminder for you, and me, of my decision to quit befriending you.

You texted me,
"at least tell me what happen? Is it because of the auntie comment? Or its something that I don't even know? I hope you can let me know what ruin our friendship."

You really dunno me enough. I will never penalize a friend just because of ONE mistake. And it seems you didn't even realize how you had been treating me, a general answer might be too vague for you. So let me tell the whole story.

This is gonna be a very, very long post.

We used to hang out in the same group. Or should I say, you used to hang out with my group half of the time. I heard rumors about you, that you were attached yet you flirted/tried to get close to other girls, and your reputation in relationship was terrible. Sorry but this is the truth. Anyway I usually try not to jump to conclusion before I know someone.

But soon I found out that the rumors are true.

I don't remember the specific point when we got closer. The earliest I can recall is, once I was studying till late night, and you were awake, and we talked craps on MSN. That was properly the first time we talked more than 10 sentences on MSN? But nothing special about it.

The next day I was asked by our mutual friend whether we chatted till 4am in a teasing manner. I learned that you bragged about it to him.

Never mind.

Slowly, I noticed how I dislike the way you talked. Especially to your closest "brother" Carrot. Once you asked him to call you "daddy" because he owed you money. Later you did something which was much terrible than that, I will talk about it later. But basically it's your braggy, cocky, bossy attitude, yet the irony is, you have no guts. Arrogance and cowardice are the worst combination ever. But never mind.

One more example. Once you borrowed my Stabilo color pens to design a farewell card to your ex-girlfriend (which you had started dating before you broke up with the girlfriend before her. But never mind, that was your personal life, let me guess what you'd say in defense-- oh yeah, I myself was once a two-timer too, but you know what's our differences? They both know what I was doing.  I was honest with both sides. You were not. But never mind it's your personal life). You asked Bunny if she had any. She said no.

And then I offered to lend you mine. But what did you say when I passed the pens to you?

You said, in very fussy tone, "why no red color one!!!" 

I replied, "use normal red pens lah."

You replied, "not nice mah!!! Aiyo!!! K never mind suan liao suan liao. Will return you after I'm done using."

CCB I should have taken my pens back instantly. 好心借你还要嫌?没有人教你什么叫礼貌?

Talking about pen, there was another time you bugged me on MSN to lend you black gel pen. I asked you to borrow from your roommate, you said he didn't have one. I asked you to borrow from your neighbors. You said they wouldn't have any. I was lazy to walk down my block just to lend you a fucking gel pen so I ignored you.

The next day I asked your roommate if he had a gel pen, guess what? He had it and he said you didn't even ask him. Then I found out from Bunny you also love to bug her for lecture notes via MSN when all you could do was to turn around and ask your roommate.

Never mind.

Next thing I remember, there was a big event coming and you asked me to go with you (useless attempt to not make it that obvious so I don't wanna mention what event here, but I guess it's still obvious). I was in fact very reluctant to, but it was rude to reject because you sounded sincere, so I agreed.

I regretted it.

We and other friends went shopping for that event during the weekend. I invited you to go clubbing with me and SK after the shopping (SK and I were just friends that time). And I told you beforehand that we were gonna stay over at SK's place that night, since there was a guest room in his house with 2 beds. Remember what you talked on MSN after that?

You bugged me to let you sleep with me on the same bed. And you went on and on. I didn't want to make it awkward since we often hang out in the same group, so I didn't turn harsh on you. I should not have given you face for that.

Because of me you got free transportation to go clubbing and free accommodation from my friend, and I had a boyfriend that time, did you think about these before you typed all those flirtatious stuff to me on MSN? Do you have any idea what could happen to you if I was pissed and showed my protective boyfriend the chat history?

Never mind. I appreciate your accompaniment on my way back home the next morning. But seriously I wouldn't mind if I had to travel alone. I brought you along because you said you had never been to a club and you wanted to try, and I did you a favor because you were my friend.

Also, on our way back, you suddenly popped this:

"Eh I tell you, Flamingo was after me before she got together with her boyfriend. She asked Bunny for my MSN. Then she chatted non-stop to me the first night. Then I told her I have a girlfriend. Then she straightaway blocked me and got together with the boyfriend."

I was so fucking stupid I actually thought the story could be real. And then I thought, didn't Flamingo and her boyfriend already had something before Flamingo got to know you? Luckily I mentioned this to Bunny and ask Flamingo about it. Turned out the story was cooked up by you.

I wasn't surprised that it was a lie. I just didn't understand why you had to lie and make this up.

Few days later, you questioned me on MSN.

"Weyh you told Big-eyed that I like you?"

"Answer me"
"No I didn't. You siao???"
"Then why she said you did?"

KNS you think I'd be happy if you like me? Even if you really do what's there to brag?! Who do you think you are, Stefan Salvatore? Why should I cook up story like that to insult myself when I have a foreigner boyfriend of model material? 

You go and ask her yourself can? I think I did tell her all the flirtatious shits you said to me, so it wouldn't be surprising if she jumped to that conclusion eh?

No idea how the issue got settled. Delusional guy is delusional.

Then came the event, and 

you, harassed, me.

Why didn't you brag about it like you'd love to? Not even a mention to me after that night? Why?

It was my mistake to give you chance to be alone with me, but see, I never thought of you that way and never expected you would do that. I thought you're a gentleman and a friend I could trust. You proved me wrong.

"Can I kiss you?"

Right after I answered "no" you placed your gross lips on my cheek. 

I was too shocked to respond, 3 seconds ago we were chatting as usual and the atmosphere was pleasant. I was a coward to be harsh on a friend. I always take shitload of shits from people before I quit them from my life. And I didn't know how to respond, because honestly I wouldn't mind a kiss but not from you, not after I said "no".

All I did was to ignore the smirk on your face and continued chatting as if nothing happened.

When I was back home I tried to raise the issue on MSN. But I didn't use any rude or annoyed tone because I was fucking stupid for thinking that maybe you didn't mean to make me feel harassed. Your reply made things worse.

"Hey you should feel very honored okay?"
"I already said no."
"Aiya you thought I dunno girls huh, you girls are like that, no means yes, don't want means you want, I know you want me to kiss you ^^"

Did I not publicly say that you look like a homeless drug addict to me?

Your attractiveness score is negative for me, both on the outside and inside.

My ex-boyfriend was pissed. Too bad my relationship with him already turned into a long-distance one, or else you could have learn your lesson earlier and stop manipulating/annoying me. My ex-boyfriend asked me not to confront you anymore, because by doing so I might make you feel entertained and since you have a very flawed logic, you might think I liked you. He asked me to simply avoid dealing with you. And so I did.

Until one day I posted on FB that I was gonna go do some shopping alone and you happened to be at somewhere nearby. I am always too kind to friends I give countless chances before I cross them out. So we went together.

You went there to meet up with a girl you wanted to chase because she was working there. But you told me that you were also after your ex-girlfriend who already has a boyfriend. When I said I despise you for that, you said you're just joking.

You always said you're just joking after me and other friends showed our despise on you. Never mind.

After you had lunch with her without me (this was totally okay, of course I wouldn't want to be a light bulb between you two), we went to bookstore to get a birthday gift for your dad. You were talking about your dad's taste and stuff. I just listened. And suddenly you went,

"Woi I'm talking to you give some response can or not? I'm talking to the air is it?"

Fuck how the fuck would I know what your dad would like? What did you want me to respond? Coward me didn't want to pick up fight so I actually cracked some bullshit response to make you happy. TMD.

On our way back, you revealed to me that you wanted to chase Bunny, whom Carrot was after for quite a long time, but you cancelled the plan because you and Bunny didn't end up in the same institution.

"What kind of friend are you? You know your buddy is after her!"
"Cannot say like that wan... I can be a better choice for her mah. If we were to attend the same school, I can get her within a year."
"Please. She won't date you even if you're the only guy left in this planet. Such friend."
"Aiya I cancelled my thought already mah."
"Uh-huh, if not because you didn't get to attend her school you'd cancel your thought meh?"
"Bunny is my cup of tea..." with that pervert expression on the face I'd love to slap.

The next day we had to go somewhere together again to do some important stuff. At night you uploaded an album of pictures you took along the way, titled Aunty Crazenne.

Half of the pictures were secret shots of me.

"Remove the pictures. You motherfucker took so many fugly shots of me without telling me!!!"
"You knew it what?"
"I only noticed the one you took when I was eating!!! I didn't know you took so many!!!"
"Memory mah... Last outing with you until we meet again leh..."

In the end you set the album private.

Over the past one year you occasionally messaged me on FB to ask for if you could drop by and stuff. My replies were negative. I wasn't really trying to avoid you (although this could a small part of the reasons), but mainly I was really busy and our timing always didn't sync. When you saw my Anti-Lynas pictures, you sent me lots of passionate messages saying bla bla bla why didn't you inform me earlier I would like to join you guys and stuff. 

Later when people from my school organized event to support Bersih 3.0, I informed you and what did you say? That you would not risk your scholarship and future career, before we received the warning email. After that you and others received the warning email and you validated your reason for not attending. But you kept bugging me and asked about the details, until I replied you,

"Stop asking me. What for you know since you're not attending anyway?"

Finally no more reply from you.

Some time later, you planned your trip to my place during the break. You messaged me on FB again to ask for accommodation. I asked you to stay at the guys' place. 

You claimed that you're not close with them, insisting that you wanted to stay over at my place. I told you it should be okay since I have 3 coaches in the living hall, but I have to ask my other 4 roommates first nevertheless. Your flirtatious sickness stroke again.

"i sleep in your room cannot meh"
"your bed so big, we can sleep together on the bed mah"
"you let guest sleep on the floor meh"
"ok lah I sleep on the floor in your room"
"your coaches clean or not?"
"ei clean the place before i arrive, i am the guest"

Need accommodation from me still make so many requests? Why so buay paiseh and 不会做人??? Being one of you good friends doesn't mean I owe you okay? Kam kong.

You also did the same to another female friend before. Don't wanna elaborate on this, save you some face.

A week before your arrival, you informed me that you would come with Carrot and stay over at the guys' house. I was relieved. Then you said Carrot would leave a day earlier than you and you asked me to go fossil-hunting and watch movie with you after he left. I replied you very nicely as I thought to myself, let bygone be bygone, maybe you're still a good friend to keep after all.

The night I finished my last paper I met up with you both. You and Carrot suggested me to stay over at the guy's place after clubbing. I said I couldn't because I have to remove my make-up. And then you went,

"You wear make-up for what? For us ah? No need lah we already saw your worst, aunty look, whatever look also we saw before already."

And I replied, "Long time no wear make-up already mah. This year I never put on make-up leh, this is the first time."

Wasn't mad that time cuz you behaved pretty normal when Carrot was around. Now I think back, lao niang like to wear make-up is lao niang punya business okay? Need your approval is it? So many remarks for what? Did I ever criticize your sloppy outfit? Ma de.

In the end you and Carrot stayed over at my place. Carrot fell asleep at the living hall, so we went into my room to chat. You and I were both sitting on my master bed, and I was talking to you and to SK (on skype). When it was almost 4am I asked you to go out cuz I wanted to sleep.

"No need lah... let me sleep here lah..."
"No. Get out."
"Very tired leh... living hall so far away..."
"A few steps only. Faster I want to sleep already."
"Aiyo never mind lah you sleep beside me lah... I am not that type of guy mah..."

Then only you got out of my room instantly. Wtf.

But overall you were really nice and all before Carrot left, and I was a bit guilty for having the thought to not layan you after Carrot left. But you went back to your jerk attitude after Carrot left. KNS.

It was hot and the girls wore very less. I pointed at a girl who was wearing a crop top and said, "maybe I should wear something like that tomorrow."

"Please don't. You are gonna walk beside me. You will embarrass me. Your belly isn't flat and curves outward. I saw last time when we went to the beach."

Cibai I never criticized your once skinny like a bamboo body and you give me such offensive remark for what?! Again I let it slip because some unpleasant incident happened and I didn't wanna make Carrot more upset by picking up fight with you.

We were all sweaty under the hot sun so we went back to my place to take shower. You asked me to lend you my towel.

"Go borrow from my male roommates."
"Don't want lah I don't dare to... I don't know them..."
"Ask will die is it?"
"Cannot lend me yours meh"
I was a bit annoyed and I went, "okay if you don't mind that my towel has SK's semen on it."

Then you stopped bugging. But you asked me to accompany to go over to the guys' place to shower. Why need to accompany you?!!! You went back on your own then we met up at night cannot?! But you insisted you dunno the way bla bla.

In the end I borrowed you my towel. Gross. Now I used that towel to wipe the floor.

On the bus you started talking craps again. That my China roommate is your cup of tea. That the girl who walked by on the pavement (when we're still on the bus) is also your cup of tea and you'd like to get off the bus to chase after her and ask for number. And you ask if there is any other pretty Malaysian girls I know. And that you're so fucking attracted to the girl who stay upstairs at the guys' place. Bla bla bla.

It was already 11pm when we came back from shopping. I told you I was very tired (I only slept 3 hours the night before, and 1.5 hour nap in the afternoon, and I was sleep-deprived for a week due to finals, and you knew it) so I wanted to go back home, but you kept bugging me with "I am the guest you must not treat your guest like this" and I was too kind (dumb?) to accompany you to supper again. 

During the meal, you told me you tried to ask Bunny to go to your place for vacation without telling Carrot first but Bunny told Carrot and now Carrot was a little unhappy.

"Why she went and told him... now he beh song me already..."
"Serve you right. You know he liked her then why did you do that?"
"Vacation only mah... Need to tell meh..."
"Vacation only mah, need to hide meh?"

You were speechless. You changed topic.

"Eh you told Big-eyed I liked you is it?"

Cibai how many fucking times you need to ask me this?! Go get a mirror can?! Do I seem like I need to lower my standard to this extent? TMD so pissed.

You said Big-eyed also asked if you liked Bunny. I asked you how you responded.

"Of course I had to deny... Carrot was there..."

"So you do like her lah?!"

"Erm we chatted online a lot last time... but she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend... we talked about a lot of deep stuff..."

What were you trying to imply???

"Then how did you respond when Big-eyed asked you whether you liked me?"

"That I don't care. I don't care about you at all."


Then you requested me to go to the guys' place and accompany you to the bus stop. I asked you to go straight there and said I would meet up with you later cuz I had to skype my mom. You said you didn't know the way, asked me to skype my mom other time. I told you it was the only time in the week that my mom was free to skype me. Then you asked me not to talk too long cuz you scared if I "picked you up" by bus late you would miss your bus back home. Check google map yourself can?!!

At last I compromised, thinking that I should be show some hospitality since you're leaving.

After supper you begged me to walk you to the guys' place. You kept saying that you dunno the way. And you felt scared because there was gun incident the day before. I was too tired to bear with your shits anymore so I just left you. Amazingly you reached home on your own.

The next day you texted me: "Hey come straight to Memorial Union, I'm already here."

So I went. And the first thing you told me,

"This morning I came here with Vee. Aiya initially I wanted to text you and told you no need to come already, cuz Vee already planned to take me to the lake and go around the town but too bad she couldn't quit work today... yesterday she accompanied me and talked till late night leh, then today morning she cooked breakfast for me leh... SHE COOKED BREAKFAST FOR ME LEH... aiya if she could quit work I won't need you already..." 

"Ok then I can go back already. Bye."

"Huh you wanna leave me alone here meh... now she has to work mah... I still have 3 hours to go before the bus came..."

Then you repeated the same thing about Vee for at least 3 times. I was so annoyed cuz I hosted you 2 days straight, with very little sleep and having to put up with your terrible attitude, yet you didn't thank me and kept telling me how nicely Vee treated you. Then you accidentally revealed that you treated her a meal, and my wrath exploded at once:

"Okay, you know me for 2 years, I brought you around for 2 days, yet every meal we had you asked me to treat you but you treat her voluntarily just after 2 days you know her because she talked to you for a night and cooked you breakfast?!"

"You're different case... you're not important."

I could have left at that point. But I didn't because you still owed me money. After you came back from the ATM and passed me the money, I stood up and walked off.

"Where are you going?"
"Huh cannot like this... I am guest leh... where can take money then straightaway leave..."
"Why stay? You don't appreciate me."
"Ok lah ok lah I treat you ice-cream lah..."

Then you walked off to line up for ice-cream. I stayed. Not because I gian your treat, I was just too nice I always avoid to make things ugly when I have choice.

"Your face don't so emo can or not..."
"The weather is too hot. Can't help. A bit headache too."
"Who ask you to wear until like this..."

Cibai what is wrong with wearing this summer dress under hot weather?! What else should I wear then? Whatever I wear also not your business okay? Why you so fucking love to make insulting remarks? The true reason of my black face is YOU okay?!

Then you treated me fries and repeated the same thing about for Vee another 3 times. And talked craps about how you're willing to visit every week just to see her.

"Please don't come anymore. I don't have energy and time to layan you again."
"You think I want to meet you up meh? I just wanna see her only lor. You're not important to me."


5 minutes before Vee had her work break, I wanted to leave since she could accompany you till you leave.

"Don't go first lah... I am leaving leh..."

"I still need you to take pictures of me and her..."

I stayed. I took pictures for you. I really have no idea why I was so fucking dumb to be that kind to you.

Then you left. You texted me:

"Bye lor, thanks for the pictures, but first picture you really screwed up T_T"

So this was the only thing I did for the past 2 days that was worth your appreciation. 

I told 2 of our mutual friends and 2 of my close friends plus SK to ask if it was too mean to quit our friendship. 

None defended you.

I tried to recall if there was anything significant you have done for our friendship, and I failed.

You asked me not to spill out everything you have said to me, why?

Because you're ashamed of it? Else why do you have to hide?

You said I shouldn't because you never spill anything I told you to other people.

But hey, listen.

You can tell everything I said to the whole world, including my personal matters. Unlike you, I don't fucking care cuz I have nothing to hide. I am not ashamed of anything I have told you.

You really do not know me enough. I am not the kind of person who keeps secrets for friends despite knowing that they have bad intentions on other friends.

Curious why Bunny cancelled the plan to go to your place for vacation? Curious why Vee stopped replying your text messages?

Because I have told them everything.

You can blame me. But think again, if you didn't have intentions like that, how could I managed to have things to tell at all right? You have no one to blame except yourself.

And you don't have to worry Carrot how would respond if he reads this, because I have already told him too.

My intention was not to damage your friendship with them. My intention was to save them from being fooled by you. And Carrot is really a priceless friend because he still treats you as a dear friend.

But I can't.

You asked me if it was because of the FB comments. No, but that was the last straw that pushed my decision of ending our friendship.

What ruined our friendship? you asked. Our friendship doesn't have a strong basis to start with. Ask yourself, have you done any important things for me, as a friend? I really can't think of any.

You said you're willing to apologize and change, but too late, it won't help, because

1. I don't like you as a person.
I don't like your dishonesty to the girls you fool with, I don't like your arrogance, I don't like your cowardice. Things I don't like about you are summed up in all the incidents above. In short, I beh tahan your pattern. Maybe you're not that terrible after all, you have your good sides too, but

2. This friendship gave me more cons than pros.
because I cannot appreciate your good side with such treatment you gave me. I will still keep a friendship which has equal pros and cons, but the cons you gave outnumbered the pros (none?) tremendously. I might be biased, but it doesn't matter. I believe that I have given enough chances before I ended our friendship. I just don't want anymore annoyance from you, I can do better, be happier without this friendship. Maybe you are willing to fix this but

3. I am not a saint... yet.
I can forgive for sure. But I cannot accept you back as a friend as if nothing happened. Sorry I just can't. Once someone pushes me so far to make things this ugly, the knot cannot be untied in short time. I blocked you on FB because I simply do not want to see anything about you or receive any message from you. It fucking annoys me. And I am not a saint to turn annoyance into gratitude. I am sorry I fail to be grateful for this friendship. Trust me, I TRIED.

I hope you're satisfied with the answer. Feel free to respond to this post, but if you respond in hope that I will read it, save your time, I probably won't. I might delete it straightaway as soon as I realize it's from you.

Or maybe I will printscreen it and upload onto the next post ;)

I don't hate you. You're not my enemy. I just don't want to deal with you anymore, simple as that.

Peace out.



  1. nothing's wrong with the summer dress ! something wrong with his mind ! Chill yea !

    1. Actually that remark wouldn't piss me off if not because of the accumulated shits he said before... I am biased, but I had tried my best tolerating, so there.

    2. I consider you as very tolerance already,after all that happened.. If me i would have been end the friendship much earlier than you did.So,you did great well enough !

  2. First time i read finish a post in your blog... Damn entertaining... Hahaha...
    But i do think that he is just joking most of the time (but he dont know it isnt funny)... Thats his annoying pattern and not everyone can accept that without freaking out.. Haha

  3. "Bye lor, thanks for the pictures, but first picture you really screwed up T_T"

    hahahah make me laugh until my stomach exploded OMG!!! HAHAH I want to salute you for your patience and tolerance. Whoever say things like "who as you to dress like that" or "don't need put makeup, seen your aunty look" etc.. Next day I will spread what this fella said ahhah. Shit I want to reread this again, because as I scroll down it just keeps getting better hahaha.

    1. Why is that even funny -_- that's really what he sent me wtf

      Bet he will say he was just joking! Hey fella, if you're reading, I don't make offensive jokes like those to friends. It's okay to joke, but watch the frequency, the extent and the tone of your "jokes". What did I do to have to take your "jokes"?! I showed zen face then you cross the line further. Goddamn.

  4. Wow, that was some post. You know, writing everything out like that, although it probably won't have any type of effect on the person that it was addressed can be rather therapeutic. I write long emails at work about things sometimes -- and it always makes me feel better.

    But....note to self -- never and I mean never tick off Crazenne, hit on her, be rude to her, flirt with her, etc. ....because I don't think that I could take a post like that about me. :-)

    1. Haa I'm sorry for the Malaysian English overload! Yeah writing things out helps releasing my wrath, and then I forget about it and move on with gratitude for other good things in life.

      Nah I don't post about guys who hit on me or flirt with me, but it rarely happens too since I'm always attached. But to jerkholes out there, don't mess with me! *flash samurai* hahahaha