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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dark side of my school years (Part 1)

Note: I yabbered quite long before going into the main stories but you shall not skip! Every single word of this post is significant okay wtf.



I never thought blogging this is gonna be easy, although I have been drafting this blog post mentally for a very long time. Yet when I really sit down, trying to pen down my thoughts, it is still a whole lot tougher than I have expected.

To be honest with you I have been dragging for a few days because I don't know how to begin! I dunno how to present my stories less biased, or with the least harm to the characters involved. And I am highly aware of the consequences of blogging this out-- hatred, despise, doubt, more misconception about who I am, etc etc. Some bitter people might even curse me and my unborn children wtf.

Nonetheless, since I have decided so I shall go ahead with it. And I swear upon the lives of my unborn kitties (lol) that I telling the true stories as how I remember them.

I hardly mention my past. In fact, I never really talked about my primary+secondary school years back in hometown. My college friends do know that I don't look up to (or dislike, or sometimes even to an extent of hate) people from my hometown, but I never told them the exact reason other than portraying those people as extremely nosy and uncivilized hahahaha.

No, not that the past still cuts open my wounds nor makes me feel ashamed of myself. It just doesn't bug me much as I go on with my blessed life full of prosperity =^_^= And I do not want to be a past-oriented person dwelling in my unpleasant experience, putting my awesome present and future to waste!

So you are thinking, then why the fuck this siao za bor is wasting so much time writing this for the whole world to see? 

Well... I am writing this not to put shame on people who have distorted my personality so bad nor to gain sympathy. I am driven by the exact opposite intention.

I want to let go completely whatever happened to me in the past. 

I want to forgive all the people whom I never really forgive (although I will still be unwilling to accept them  as if nothing happened before);
I want to stop loading my heart with hatred every time I think about whatever shit they have done to me (yes I still do, although my friends keep telling me that I now lead a life tenfold more awesome and have no reason to feel bitter);
I want to look back and feel proud of what I have gone through, not to drown in self-pity and guilt, questioning myself if I really deserved those bullies and bad treatments;
And I want to forgive myself for shit I have done to people, whether or not it was to seek revenge.

Most importantly, I want myself to never ever crawl back into the shadow anymore when I face hardship in the future, because an unfortunate experience does not give you the excuse to  run away from mistakes you make or to take people who are genuinely good to you for granted. 

Nobody fucking owes you. Life does not owe you. If you never learn from the past and turn the painful experience into something useful for your present and future, you have no one to blame except yourself. I want myself to remember stop blaming it on the past when I become irresponsible towards myself or unreasonable towards people who love me.

So..... Those of you who said I am protective (i.e. do not open up easily), 不简单 (= not simple), observant (lol okay maybe it's a wee bit creepy how I give people the "I know what you did last summer" impression hahahaha) and mature (perhaps I'm making this up?), here is what have shaped me to be awesome like I am now...


Standard 1

(since I decide to tell my story might as well start from the very beginning lah)


Volunteered to be the class monitor. See see, so young already so spotlight-seeking, you shall not blame me for something I was born with hahaha. Soon became the star of my year due to my charisma (wtf) because I loved to tell stories and jokes in front of the class during the gap of class periods. Some teachers who passed by saw what I did and told other teachers. Then those teachers who heard about it asked me to tell them the jokes/stories I told my classmates hahahahaha.

And sometimes I sat on the teacher's seat and instructed my classmates to line up and ask me to teach them the homework questions. Why so fucking act smart wan walao. One day I told my English teacher that my secret identity was sailormoon (wtf max) and suddenly every teacher asked me if I claimed myself as sailormoon. I also told one of my teachers that I liked a boy from another class (whom I know since kindergarten) which later the whole world knew!!! But I think I did go around telling people about that la ahahaha. But seriously adults (especially teachers! okay I am biased) can never be trusted. This point will be proven later.

As a class monitor, I was instructed to keep the class disciplined when the teachers were not in class. My job was to write down names of those who made noise on the blackboard. I didn't do so at the beginning because name written on blackboard = palm going to get canned 10 times. Yes 10 times. The class got out of control sometimes, and when teachers from the next class complained, everyone got canned 1 time but I got canned 3 times (until somewhere near my knuckle bled) + scolded in front of the class for minutes because I, the monitor, was supposed to keep the class quiet.

this is Sailormoon. Chio right. hahahaha


After that incident I wrote down names every time someone uttered a single word in class when the teachers were absent. Yes talk also cannot. One time I even wrote down the name of a boy just because he turned to the back and I was unsure whether he talked to the person sitting behind him. I said to the class that this boy had never got his name up the blackboard and asked if they thought he did talk. They voted yes. So I reported him. Luckily he cried and defended himself so the teacher didn't punish him... anyway I think I still get karma for this '__' misused power like that walao...

And there were 3 (they were neighbors) who often kena because they made a lot of noise and went around kacau other people once the teachers disappeared from sight. So they got canned a lot. Then one day before classes started, the elder brother of one of them (Standard 4) dragged me to an empty classroom and threaten me to stop reporting them to the teacher. He locked me at a corner using his body, yelled at me, punched the wall behind me and said if they ever got canned again the punch would land on my face.

I told my parents about it and they asked me to report to my class teacher. So I did. I don't remember how it happened but I'm sure the guy kena lah. And then that 3 monkeys tried to be friendly to me and convinced me to copy some words I didn't understand in a note to pass to the boy I liked wtf. And I did. The boy passed the note to his class teacher, and later the note was passed to my class teacher, and my class teacher was damn pissed because the words were something like 我爱你的懒叫 and 鸡白鸡白鸡白 on the back. (I love your lanjiao and cibai cibai cibai)

I truly had no idea what it meant, I was never allowed to mix with any other kids before Standard 1 hence was never exposed to any rude words! That was how unpolluted I was! LOL! Luckily my class teacher soon realized that I didn't even know what "粗话" meant, and the 3 monkeys got canned again.

The last day of class, another rebellious boy who often argued with me pulled my hair and banged my head on the door super hard. The painful hump on my head lasted for a month. I didn't tell my parents until months later.

My Standard 1 pretty much ended like that. The rest I forgot already.


Standard 2

Still the class monitor. Somehow my class became the most notorious in the afternoon session (Standard 1 to 3). Still writing down people's names on blackboard. But this time no more threatening from elder siblings; a cousin pair in my class beat me up during recess. One of them was the boy who banged my head on the door... he will appear many times later in this post so let me nickname him... er... Indon. (No offense to Indonesians! OMG so this means I imply that.... heh)

So I went back home with bruises lor. My dad was damn pissed lor and he called Indon's home. His mother picked up and had a loooong fight over the phone with my dad wtf. She defended her son lah, and then somehow they managed to come to an agreement... Then the next day the cousins became my protectors??? And then we made noise together and got canned together wtf. Don't ask me about this part, I had no idea how it turned out like that too hahaha.


Standard 3

Got elected to be the Head Girl for the afternoon session. Usually the Head Boy is the head and the Head Girl is the assistant head but the teachers made me the head (正团长, i.e. the Head Boy was ranked under me). My job was to control the discipline of all students in afternoon session when they gathered in the school hall before classes (because we lack classrooms, afternoon session had to wait for morning session to dismiss) and to make sure all prefects of the afternoon session carried out their duties.

We had tuition classes in school on Saturday to prepare for PTS. (you can skip Standard 4 and go to Standard 5 straight if you passed. I passed but my parents chose not to let me skip. PTS was abolished the next year i.e. my year was the last batch that sat for it) And on Saturday, prefects from the afternoon session were off duties because we had the tuition in the morning. So that was when I could play like a monkey with other classmates during the recess time :D We played hide and seek etc at a forbidden area behind the classroom block :D

But finally came the day we got caught... The assistant principal from morning session came running into the area and simply canned us while we escaped. That time the Head Boy was on one of the palm trees wtf. In the end all of us got canned in front of the class hahahaha.

And some students who thought that the Head Boy was the head reported to the teacher in charge for prefects in the afternoon session that 正团长 climbed onto the tree. So she thought that I climbed onto the tree. Fml. I didn't even have a chance to clarify because she never confronted me!

FMLTTM then one day I didn't go around and checked if all prefects carried put their duties during recess and got caught by the teacher in charge. She asked me to stand in the corridor and scolded me while all other students gathered and watched. She was like pulling my prefect tie and said "don't think that your rank as the Head Prefect is secure huh, one day I might rip this tie off your collar" something like that. And of course all other teachers heard about this plus the tree-climbing accusation...

I think that was when prejudice about me was formed among the teachers? No?

Some time later, I was teaching my friend in class (I scored the highest total mark in my year) and I said something like “不是这个答案啦傻瓜” (this is not the right answer lah dummie) and the teacher overheard. Once again the teacher told other teachers and the next day my class teacher asked me not to be so proud of myself and teased other classmates by calling them 傻瓜. The class teacher even told my mom. My mom scolded me gao gao and I felt damn 冤枉 because I never intended to degrade my classmate or felt more superior than them... 傻瓜 is derogatory term meh? Sounds cute what? '__'

Since then, whatever I said was interpreted with bias, and I started to notice that more and more teachers disliked me. The teachers even constantly told other classes that "it's okay if you do not score high mark, never ever be like Tey Sin Ruow from the first class who scores the highest but has the worst attitude and discipline" until the day I graduated.

How I got to know? Because my friends from other classes and teachers who knew me better told me.

(Say it to my face if you really thought I did wrong. Are talking at the back + propaganda-ing to spoil reputation the right ways to treat a misbehaved 9 y/o child?)

One time I lost a coloring competition held by some local association because my dad insisted that I should add something in the background, but the rule stated that we were not allowed to draw anything extra. I didn't win any prizes in that competition. The next day, one of the teachers who had never taught me before told her class that "活该那个郑欣柔,假厉害啦,规则讲不可以加东西还去加,以为自己很厉害画,结果连安慰奖都没有。所以做人不要假厉害。骄傲的下场就是失败。"
(That Tey Sin Ruow, act smart lah, went against the rules and drew extra things thinking that she is very good at drawing, in the end she didn't even win a consolation prize. So never act smart. Arrogance will only bring failure.)

When my friend from that class told me, I almost cried but I managed to hold it till I got home. My dad was damn guilty and pissed. He wanted to talk to the teacher but my mom stopped him because she was afraid that the teacher would dislike me even more and influenced other teachers to. Sigh. Why do such dark politics exist in primary school???


Standard 4

Didn't get elected to be a prefect, thanks to the misunderstanding that I climbed onto the palm tree + caught not carrying out my duty + rumors about how cocky I was.

Elected to be the class monitor again, and it was the worst year of my primary school period, thanks to the awesome class teacher.

It was the year when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. I was very close to him, the happening bothered me very much. The class teacher caught me not paying attention in class for many times and sent me to the assistant principal. He thought I looked down on what my class teacher taught in class because it was too easy for me. He asked if I regretted not skipping Standard 4. I denied all his speculations.

In the end he asked if there was something else on my mind that bothered me, I almost cried but I shook my head because my mom warned me not to tell anybody about my grandpa being diagnosed with cancer.

So I continued getting caught for not paying attention in class; I think this was when I started behaving as how the rumors described me: rebellious, cocky, bitchy..... I am not sure. I didn't really realize whether I changed in how I portrayed myself to others because people had been calling me arrogant anyway... But I think the rumors sipped into me. I started to develop the arrogant mentality since people labelled me so. It's like, since you call me a bitch I might as well show you a real one kinda effect. I am not sure.

My grandfather passed away on June 3rd, 5 days before my birthday. He used to buy me birthday cakes every year. That was the first year my I stopped having birthday celebration... till now.

Meanwhile, I started getting busy with practice for district-level competitions. Little did I know, when I was not in class for practice, some people started influencing others to dislike me and some of them formed an alliance. I got to know that one among them whom I treated as a dear friend actually pestered people to join her in disliking me at my back. I continued to treat her nicely, even buying her birthday gift, hoping that what I heard was not true and even if it was true, I could possibly get her to like me again.

But I failed.

We used to have spelling tests every day. She was the one I exchanged spelling book with for marking. And because we were lazy to do corrections, we pakat and let each other change to the correct answer before handing in the books for grading. The day when I left the class for competition, she reported me to the teacher. 

So you know what happened next. I was embarrassed in front of the whole class... And here added another negative label of me: dishonest.

Again, another day when I went for practice, my class teacher decided to tell the whole class that she thought I have attitude issues and that she decided to take off the class monitor title from me after one month. She warned the whole class not to tell me anything, claiming that she wanted to see if I would changed within this one month and if I did, she would give me chance.

What I don't understand is, as a teacher, if you think I have attitude issues, why didn't you tell me exactly what behavior/speech I should avoid instead of telling the whole class that you want to see if I would change within one month? What made you think that I would suddenly "change" if I never even realized what attitude issues I had??? Shouldn't you pinpoint me instead of telling the whole class you planned to embarrass me after a month? How could I fucking know that I had to change without you telling me??????

When the day came, a friend couldn't resist and told me about it. I was shocked.

So the class teacher instructed me to stand in front. She asked me if I thought that I was qualified to continue to be the class monitor.

I said no. She asked why.

I said I dunno why but I didn't want that responsibility anymore. She said she had a discussion with the whole class earlier and they all agreed that I was not qualified, so she had decided to change the class monitor. I said okay, acting as indifferent as I could.

I could see that she was surprised I didn't get upset. I could also see that many of my classmates were happy to watch the whole drama. I didn't know what to feel. Perhaps I deserved it because I never acted humble?

(quoting my boyfriend, the irony of people being proud about being humble.)

Later I sneaked two books out of the library because I really wanted to read both books and my reading speed was fast. I thought it wasn't much of a big deal but again, someone reported to my class teacher, and she accused me of stealing books from the library and checked my bag in class. Up till this point I didn't hate her yet because the next day she lent me her own book Little Prince to bring home to read and I was touched and guilted for not following the rules.

I'm still in love with this book and I bought the English version as Valentine's gift to Soong Kit. It's really a beautiful that would break your heart if there is any innocence left within you... 


And then came the last incident of the year.

Every end of year, students who were qualified for PBTN would return the textbooks to the school and line up to get another set of textbooks for the next year. Some students from the another class purposely tore the pages to the old, wrinkled textbooks they got to exchange for textbooks in better condition. The teachers got to know about this later on that day and they wanted to find out who did that.

All students who got brand-new-looking textbooks became the suspects. Including me.

My brilliant class teacher had us standing in class and questioned us one by one, forcing us to admit that we did it. Half of us who were suspected started crying when our denial did not convince the class teacher, but I was very egoistic, I tried my best to act cool and fearless. Since her confronting tactics did not work (but in fact the real culprits were not from my class okay), she decided to let the rest of the class vote.

She asked everyone else to write in a small piece of paper if they happened to know who was/were the culprits, but the way she instructed it was misleading. Most people ended up writing who they thought to be the culprits.

And hooray I and my best friend at that time (now no more. She will appear again later so let me nickname her.... Tooty?) got the most votes! :D We were sent to the assistant principal's room and got canned :D Tooty cried like mad that day and the next day her parents dashed to assistant principal's room :D :D :D because the real culprits were found and it meant that we got canned without reason :D happy not? Nothing was done to redeem the mistakes though.

I know most of my classmates love this class teacher, I know she might have been a good teacher to others but I really can't think of her highly although I don't hate her now. I am sorry.


Standard 5

Wrote a love letter to the boy I had a crush on (he replaced me to be the class monitor) and got rejected with rage (don't like me then don't like me lah why so pissed???) and due to ego I fought with him physically hahahaha wtf. 

Tooty was no more my best friend, because one time she ignored me and played 石子 with others and I got mad then she got mad also and we never made up. Anyway her aunt (also a teacher at my school) kept telling her not to get close to me because I would bring bad influence to her so I think it was still sooner or later even without me getting mad over that stupid small matter... But then later she accused me of stealing the fluorescent sticker of another friend's when in fact it was really a misunderstanding. I asked the friend "do you mind giving me one piece?" and she shook her head so I thought she meant she didn't mind but what she meant was that she didn't want to give me. Tooty and I were not in bad terms after that but bye bye friendship.

Then I got close to another gang of girls and we frequently wrote letters to each other to talk about our 心事 hahaha wtf.

Also.... *drumroll* a girl from another class wrote me a letter and we started being pen-pals. She was the only person I trusted whole-heartedly that time. I still have no idea how she managed to see through the walls I put up around me regardless of my reputation and decided to shoot me with a letter! Probably mere admiration hahahahaha. But somehow we got busy during high school and stopped writing letters to each other already :( and I never made the effort to keep in touch lah haiz. If you are reading this please know that I really appreciate your support and understanding over the years and I really love you!

Meanwhile... I started reminding myself to beware of what I said because I wanted to get people to like me, but it didn't work, either I still talked lansi or the prejudice was too deep-rooted.

I think it was a bit of both.


Standard 6

I finally decided to pick up the bitch role and stop caring whether people like me or not. Formed an alliance called S6 with the girls thinking that we were very cool hahahaha. Had fights occasionally (mostly over the boys stuff hahaha) but remained close. Developed my first and second puppy relationships *shy* lololol. To be honest I don't remember anything else lah I think my main focus of the year was on the puppy love~ =^_^= aiyer hahahahaha.

I occasionally flipped my own table in class and flipped a guy's table once after punching his back because he poured water on my head... Siao wan I stood in the corridor and he suddenly came and created fake rain... -_- And flipping table fucking annoyed a lot of people in my class because we kept our textbooks and dictionaries in the drawer, so once a table was flipped everything fell out and created noise and mess. Okay maybe I did flip other tables too. I think I also occasionally threw people's stuff out the window (our classroom was on the 4th level) when they pissed me off... Aiyer really bad-tempered and violent lah, dunno how I still managed to have puppy love wan lololololol.

Yes this used to be my hobby.


Busiest year ever because I represented my school in almost all district-level competitions, especially those related to public speaking (speech giving/poem recitation/story telling). My class teacher was my coach and the principal drove me to almost every competition and they liked me :D proving that my attitude issues, if there were any at all, were not that bad after all okay? ALL teachers who talked bad about me were those who NEVER taught me before wtf. And I greeted all teachers when I bumped into them, but some just pretended that they didn't hear me... yet they called me arrogant and no manners?????

I actually had the permission to not complete homework because I was really busy like hell, but because my classmates were unhappy about how unfair it was that I never got caught and punished for that (they didn't know I had the permission), the teachers actually canned me in class and explained to me after class haha. But I didn't feel mistreated at all because these teachers were truly good to me and never judged me the way other teachers said about me.

At the end of the year I was awarded the title Model Student. Right after the ceremony, those teachers who disliked me said that I did not deserve the title and wanted to sign a petition to get the principal take back the title from me... But they didn't in the end. 

On the last day of school, my class teacher asked me to apologize to all teachers in school and ask for forgiveness if I ever offended them in any ways, because she didn't want them to continue talking bad about me after I graduated. I said okay. 

But I didn't do it.

How the fuck could I possibly offend you in any ways when we never had interactions at all??? Greeting you also considered as an insult is it? Why the fuck do I have to apologize for the prejudice you have on me??? Even if I do have attitude issues shouldn't it be your responsibility as a teacher to point those out to me and guide me to change??? Want me to apologize some more walao eh what sorcery is this?!




That's it about my primary school years. I didn't include all the back-stabbing cases because I don't want to  be so petty calculating those small ones... Most people who back-stabbed me during primary school were okay with me during secondary school, and back-stabbing during primary school period is pretty common I think? We were all too young to know what we were doing... I did it too, for revenge.

I never betrayed any of my good friends before they betrayed me. Here I said it.

I didn't feel sad at all during graduation. I was so fucking excited that I could finally start a new life at a new institution, so happy and relieved that I could even shed tears. I thought to myself, finally the stress, worries, anger, hatred could come to an end..... (but no it wasn't the end)

And guess what? After I graduated the teachers changed their testimonial and praised me for my performance in school and said that I was just "too act cool" compared to my brother. Really siao one.

I don't think they have any idea how deeply their prejudice affected me... Every time I was told about what they talked about me, I got insomnia and throughout the years, I felt really wounded. The feeling of being disliked + accused of things you never did was not something you could ever imagine. Bear in mind that I was only a child that time. It sounds not much of a big deal now, but if you experience bullies and denial during such childhood years... it meant the whole world to you. It shapes how you view the society, molds  how you portray yourself and it definitely affects how you interact with people. All your future friendships and relationships cannot run away from its influence.

Till now, I don't think there was a problem with not hiding my confidence... Yes I admit that I got really lansi dunno since when, but... I think it's just the hypocritical standard of Chinese society about humility which requests talented/smart people to portray themselves as lowly as possible. For many years I blamed myself and thought that I deserved the hatred+bias, but it was never wholly my fault because nobody taught me what exactly I did wrong to earn those labels (except the going against rules part) and what I should do to have those labels removed.

And you know how prejudice and pride are hard to remove once formed.

Towards the end of secondary school years, those people who used to dislike me found me more friendly  and said I have changed. When I asked them how I was like in primary school, they said I was cocky as fuck but failed to give me even just one instance how I was cocky... I am not trying to deny anything, I just think that the truth is... I never changed. They changed.



*yawn*

(to be continued in Part 2)

ps: I spent hours to write and you finish reading within minutes, so you shall check out (i.e. CLICK) the ads on my blog to give me some insignificant monetary consolation as a sign of moral support...... you can also like my page, follow me on twitter, promote my blog etc. Hahahaha



xoxo

9 comments:

  1. When I saw how long this post was, I purposely took my lunch in front of the com and eat while scrolling. Great effort and can't wait for the next part! :P

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    1. Aiyo damn touched T_T that's what I did when I read blogs especially Xiaxue's long posts, you made me feel so honored hahahaha

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  2. I'm glad you were able to write everything down. For now, those teachers who mistreated me, I will always think like.. "ha look at you, still the same old primary school teacher but me? look at where I am standing now!" hahaha. :p More like a self-comfort thing to remind myself that they don't worth my time to 'remember'. :P

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    1. Ei me too hahaha. I used to tell my parents that one day I will drive expensive car to their houses and thanked them for giving me motivation to excel. LOL! But now no more hatred since they have been praising me for years hahahaha

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  3. "star of my year due to my charisma."

    hahahaha wtf

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  4. Glad I clicked your link for part 1. You had it really rough. On to part 2 now. Thanks for posting! ^-^

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  5. Clap for your writing, and....
    I still remember the standard 4 pbtn textbook case, I was one of the victims and I still cannot forget /forgive the teachers who cincai put the blame on me and frame us up as culprits stupidly ..... Arghhh!!!! If there is chance to meet, I ll confront her to apologize for bullying us, the innocent kiddos,hrng!!!
    Hahahaha..........

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    Replies
    1. Really meh Ah Fang??? Please tell me after you do it! I wanna know how she reacts!

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