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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dark side of my school years (Part 2)

Here come the heavy part of the deepest confession......

(Inhale. Exhale. Inhaleeeeee. Exhaleeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

I have fully got over the primary school dramas because....
(1) I think I did deserve some parts of it: I did go against the school rules, bully people back out of self-defend and act lansi intentionally after being labelled arrogant
(2) Most people, students and teachers, who mistreated/misjudged me were not people I cared about
(3) It was freaking loooooong time ago. 10 years ago you see? Time does help a lot in the recovery part when there is affirmative love which heals all the wounds. 

(go and read Part 1 now if you haven't, these 2 posts are supposed to be read chronologically)

But high school dramas are very, very different.

It was still stories about bully, betrayal and prejudice, but in a much larger scale, combined with identity crisis, love sickness, rebellion against parents, academic stress...... everything. Teenage years are hard unless you don't have a life.

This part is very saddening because almost all dramas involved people whom I used to be close to. And I really wish all those disputes never happened. They were dear friends I used to heart, but I simply screwed things up, not knowing what exactly I should do to save things. We were like pathetic porcupines, ejecting the thorns to hurt others out of defend and ended up exposing ourselves to more injuries...??? Okay I know this simile sucks.

If you are reading this, pardon my ego and cowardice for not handling things in a better way. I am truly sorry that I have hurt you in some ways, I miss the moments when we were close, but what done is done. If you happen to suffer guilt like I do (although I don't think any of you would), it's time to forgive yourself and let go of the mistakes; if you are still bitter about it.... have faith that karma will do you justice. It's time to shake it off and move on with your life. 

Don't let the past defines you. Be it You define the past.

I know ALL the people involved are good friends of some of you whom you might want to defend, especially if the person was actually well-liked and looked up to; I am not trying to spoil their images or to imply that they were hypocrites, I would not deny that they could be really good people to you all, but they simply did not treat me the way they treated you all...

And once again I swear I am not making things up. What happened between me and them might be really unbelievable, but this is the truth you did not see. Maybe my memory is distorted at some parts, whatever I write is from my viewpoint after all so I won't claim that the stories are bias-free. It's up to you to judge. I welcome any "bite-back", but I don't think I will be interested to defend myself further. Of course I wasn't all angelic, I did mistakes too, I guess it's just human nature that I remember people's mistakes and forgot mine; it's totally up to you whether to reveal how terrible I was, if I ever was.

As I said, I am doing this solely for myself.

Form 1

I should have known that my life would never be free of dramas. Not long after Form 1 started, I lost a very dear guy friend because I was very 任性 (wayward). I went overboard several times and he finally got pissed. 

It was completely my fault. 

Due to what happened during the previous years, my ego was super huge because I know my haters wanted to see me fail, suffer, sulk. Pride was my only protection to hide how insecure and wounded I actually was. All I wanted to do was to save my stupid ego, and I shot him a letter consisted of all lies, boosting about how I didn't give 2 hoots about losing his friendship and bluffing that all this while I was just exploiting him to be my servant--something like that. Things would be totally different today if I stepped backward and apologized... but both of us were egoistic. We both swore that we would never apologize first.

It was one of the biggest mistakes I made. I couldn't imagine how badly I hurt him... We were so close for almost a year and he was there for me through my ups and downs during Standard 6. He taught me how to play China yoyo, we wrote letters to each other, we lepak at isolated school areas sharing secrets, he opened up to me and I even called him my god-brother yet I did that to him just to retrieve my ego after stepping across the line and pissed him off. Tell me why the fuck did I evaluate empty pride higher than a precious friendship? It's not like I had a lot of sincere friends to lose. Yet...

He hated me to death. Together with Indon (okay I feel bad calling him Indon wtf) and some jealous bitches whom I never insulted in our class, they tried every way possible to annoy me every single day. The girls went around and told lies about me to get everybody hates me, writing on the walls, doors, tables, everywhere you could think of that 郑欣柔是姣婆 (Tey Sin Ruow is a slut),郑欣柔抢人家的男朋友(TSR steals people's boyfriends),郑欣柔走路抬头挺胸以为自己奶很大(TSR walks with her chest and chin up thinking her boobs are very big) etc. And wherever I went, as long as I walked into their sight, they would start calling me by derogatory terms or said that I made the air stink.

(You can still see those vandalism if you go back to my high school now, especially on the KH-ERT lab tables.)

I used to fight back whenever people insulted me, but starting from this year, I kept quiet and ignored them, acting cool/indifferent. I thought they would stop after a while if they failed to piss me, but they continued the verbal abuse.

On a grateful note, I became BFF with the siao za bor sitting beside me, Loh Min Yi  and we sat together till we graduated except Form 4 cuz we were in different classes. She is a treasure from God. (so cheesy wei wtf) Until Form 5 I accumulated a number of treasures but she was the very first to be at my side, or else I could not imagine how I survived my high school years.

I lost touch with S6 because we were scattered in different classes; on the other hand, I made friends with a group of people from another primary school; they were mostly from another class but we went to tuition classes together. I had a lot of fun with them during tuition, and the most epic of all was that N challenged me to unzip my shirt and said that he would unzip his pants if I did, and I went,

then I unzipped and zipped back really fast (in 1 second, so fast I didn't expose anything inside actually) and they were like

D: D: O: O:

Then N immediately started undoing his belt buckle, zipped down and stripped down a little and we all went mad and died laughing. Dunno why so happy wtf. 

Within a week there were 4 versions of rumor in school:
1) N challenged me to unzip my shirt and I took it, then he unzipped his pants (correct one)
2) We suddenly unzipped because gatal (hello in public how to gatal)
3) I unzipped my shirt and then challenged N to unzip his pants (wtf)
4) I unzipped my shirt and then unzipped N's pants (wtf max!!!)

About that time N and I started writing letters... writing letters was such a popular trend back then hahaha. And I also started to have feelings for him. *blush* lol

I thought I found the gang I belonged to, I really liked them a lot but little did I know, they became the initiators of my nightmare for the whole coming year.

Form 2

It was just the first few days of classes and everyone in that gang except N turned their back on me. I swear I didn't insult them in any way... I liked them, remember? Perhaps they suddenly decided that I was unlike-able and wanted to make life difficult for me. Poor me didn't even notice that they grouped together and talked bad things about me, teasing me at my back. I thought that we became distant just because of the long year-end holidays. And I thought I would be one among them again in a few days time.

Then N asked me to the canteen and told me what was happening behind my back. It was like a sudden thunderstorm just when I thought my days would finally go all sunny.

N said that the gang threatened to boycott him if he chose to side me, but he failed to convince himself to hate me because I did nothing wrong, and that the only reason causing their attitude change that he could think of was jealousy. (not I make up wan ah, I am quoting exactly how I remember it) And he asked me to be careful because they were going to launch attacks on me soon.

I was too shocked to say anything; I only remember myself nodding a lot and holding back tears.

Soon the attacks started. Getting verbal abuse was my daily routine. I did fight back a little but what do you think I could do? They were so fucking influential, one of them was the granddaughter of the chairperson of my school. People feared the gang. The next week almost nobody dared to talk to me except a few of my close friends who also got attacked. The gang even told some popular male seniors that I liked them and I was a slut yadda yadda. They simply paired me up with random guys and spread rumors to make me sound like a whore...

And then I was so stupid that I created a fake story to claim that I had a boyfriend, and I used a picture of a mix teen model to be my "proof".  Of course they found out about it very soon and I got humiliated even more.

Meanwhile I threw a piece of chalk at a teacher. Okay this is irrelevant.

They made prank calls to my home several times. The only two I remember vividly were
(1) I picked up the phone and the person at the other end started shouting rude words and said everything to humiliate me
(2) My mom picked up the call and the person told her that they kidnapped me because I had been engaged in prostitution and they wanted to send me to Thailand. 我们要送你的女儿要去泰国做鸡

I was right beside my mom that time. And I was fucking sure it was them because I could recognize their voices.

The influential girl... she offered to fetch one of my close friend who lived nearby to school, hinting that all he had to do was to join them in boycotting me. He rejected. Oh and I got to know because he told me.

The guy who poured water on my head before (let me call him A), he poured unknown power into my drinking bottle and the water turned chalky. I almost reported to the teacher but he begged me not to and insisted that the powder was not harmful, so I didn't. 

At tuition class, they chased me away from where I sat initially because they wanted the whole table from their gang. What they did was not asking me to sit elsewhere straight away; they waited until I settled down, and told me that the seat was reserved for someone, then I shifted and they played the same trick--repeated for a few times. In the end I went and sat at the corner furthest to the white board even though I arrived early, just to avoid the embarrassment.

Imagine how hard I tried to hide all these from my parents. Maybe I shouldn't?

One day, they wrote defaming things about me on a piece of paper and passed it around the class. During  Physical Education class, when everyone was not in the classroom, I went back to the classroom and found the paper. 

What did they write? My name and prostitution.

My class teacher passed by and saw me holding the paper. She was really mad. She passed it to my Bahasa Cina (Chinese language) teacher to figure out whose handwriting those were. He managed to, and threatened to report it to the Principal unless they admitted it to him. They freaked out. They asked A to send their apology and begged me to tell our BC teacher to let this incident slip.

I know it sounded very stupid but...... I accepted the apology and persuaded the teacher to forgive them. He insisted that they had to go to him and admit it, because bullying, especially defaming, is a very serious issue and he had to do what he should do as a teacher.

They finally went to him and admitted it. The attacks ended after the incident, but the effect was never erased for the whole year. 

What touched me was, when I asked N to stop siding me, he asked me not to worry because he never regretted it.

Another gift of the year was that I got close to Low Wan Yu  who had bias on me during primary school. She and Tooty sat in front of me, and Tooty told her that I wasn't the terrible person like what people described. As time passed by, she got to see who I truly was. I am also thankful that Sheau Hong , whom I attended tuition with (our parents did car pooling), sided me the whole time and accompanied me to sit at the far back. And Aisha , who is getting married soon, thank you for defending me at tuition classes and in school. She was the one who fought for me when she heard people who didn't know me at all talking bad about me, questioning their credibility to comment about me.

I am really grateful that although I wasn't popular or well-liked, I have these true friends who were there for me when everyone else boycotted me. I don't need a lot of friends (although I have a lot now); a few true, sincere ones would suffice. I think I was luckier than those who stuck together as a gang but back-stabbed each other all the time (I have always been observant).

Form 3

Joined debate and got close to Gymtank Chew Shih Yuin. He taught me a lot of things but that was also when people started taking us as an item... Shih Ting lah!!! 明明知道 there was nothing between her brother and I, but instead of clarifying, she made it sound more fishy until I lost all market until graduation fml fml fml. But Gymtank said I should thank him cuz if my market wasn't closed, I might not have my 2 awesome relationships after high school o_O 

Hhmm this does make sense but stilllllllllll

No significant dramas, but I started to really isolate myself from people and became a suffer-in-silence over thinker. I fell into the state of despair and depression. Disappointment on humanities peaked. I remember myself crawling up in bed weeping for hours because I was so ashamed of myself. I dunno how to explain this, I just felt that I had lost the will to carry on in life.

My relationship with my mom got worse. It started to get bad since Form 2, when I was no longer the number 1 in class. Every day she scolded me for not scoring a higher score. As long as I didn't score the highest in class for that subject she would scold me non-stop and said I disappointed her. Just fyi, she never allowed me to hang out with friends after school or attend any party... I was devastated to the maximum because whatever I did couldn't get her approval. I felt that she was never proud of me. 

But I am thankful that our relationship gets intimate again starting from Form 5. She now frequently tells me that she loves me and feels proud of me... Okay don't want to elaborate more I am tearing already ;_; Oh and to think of it, she was always there when people bullied/betrayed/mistreated me... Okay I said I don't want to elaborate more already lahhhhhhhhhh

Something significant: Got close to Michelle ♥ Life didn't treat me that bad after all eh? :)

Form 4

And now the story was all about this person whom I got the biggest betrayal from.

J had been someone I thought to be a close friend for years. We participated in poem-reciting competition as a group in Form 2 and Form 3. In Form 3, we formed a debate team, and other teammates and I even stayed at her house for lunch once to discuss about the debate topic. In short, she was a friend whom I opened up to and had fun with, and I thought she knew who I was and considered me as a close friend too.

Perhaps I was wrong?

So in Form 3, both of us were offered to join the school debate team as reserve, but there was only one seat. She was busy with co-curricular activities so I took the offer. On the same year, both of us joined Choir Club. 

In Form 4, both of us were in school debate team. I was better in grasping and organizing ideas, so I sorta led the team. I put a lot of pressure on my teammates, I wanted all of us to give our best and win the competition. I admit that I was very dominant. And she said she felt hell stressed because of me. Actually my other teammates said the same thing lah.

And the chaos started.

All of us in the team were Form 4 students except 1 who was in Form 5. This Form 5 girl often brought along her homework and studied for SPM when we had our discussion about the debate topic. Soon we all got equally annoyed. At the same time, we thought that since she had problem juggling between debate and studies, it might be better to have her make a choice.

J suggested that we told the teacher in charge to have her kicked out.

Other teammates strongly agreed. So we did. Then we asked J to explain nicely to her so that she didn't think that we hated her or something. J was very well-liked and gave people the impression that she was mature and caring, so we trusted her completely.

A few days later, I met the Form 5 girl at canteen. I approached her and she was very reluctant to talk to me. So I asked her, didn't J explain to you already? You seemed so.... resentful.

She went, "Yeah, she told me how all of you insisted to have me kicked out despite how she defended me."

I was shocked. Then I told her that it was actually J who suggested to have her kicked out; at the beginning we were just complaining that she did not pay attention during the discussion.

Now she was shocked. She told me what J told her: we disliked her, J tried to persuade us to give her chance but we refused to, J defended her, we gave pressure to J and made her follow us to tell the teacher about it........ yadda yadda.

She had tears in her eyes when she told me all these. She said she thought we all hated her and didn't want to work with her as a team.

Good job J.

Somewhat when I had random chat with J later, I told her that I thought she 刻意用别人会尊敬的形象包装自己 (masked herself with what makes people think highly about her?). The next day she told me that she went back home and thought about what I said, and she went, "你说得对,我其实就是伪善". ("you're right, I'm a hypocrite") I was speechless for a while because it wasn't what I meant at first; and it seemed like I triggered her to confess about her true colors...?

At the same time, Shih Yuin who had already graduated came back to guide us in preparation for the debate competition. As I mentioned earlier, I was (still am) close to him, and I sensed admiration from J towards him... :P which the Form 5 girl also agreed that it was damn obvious (before she got kicked out). For example, most of the time when I presented a point, J would argue but once SY restated the same point, she immediately agreed. Maybe he was better in presenting ideas? chehhhhh tak mungkin lah.

J has a novel which was Shih Yuin's most favorite novel (my most favorite novel too). I told her about it in the morning; the afternoon of the same day, she called me on the phone and sounded really excited:

"I finished the book!!! The main character is exactly like Shih Yuin!!! yadda yadda yadda"

Then I think she realized that I sounded too chill while she sounded too excited and ended the call abruptly. lol. Later she said she 敬仰 (look up to) him and once in a while she would say something like she didn't understand how we were so close/like-minded etc. 

Long story short, I won The Best Speaker Awards in the competitions our team manage to make it through. I believe that she was very upset. Yet she gained a big supporter: our BC teacher Miss K! After the district-level competition held in our school ended, Miss K told the class that in her opinion, J was the best debater in the competition-- Sin Ruow also did not bad. Haha okay. Luckily Miss K was not the judge or else I wouldn't have won the award :P

After we lost to Melaka the debate came to an end; and started the Choir Club chaos.

During new committee election, our guru penasihat (our advisor) nominated me to be the President, Tooty the Vice President. J objected and said that Tooty should be the President because she was a Grade 8 pianist whereas I had no basis in music. She nominated me to be the secretary. As I said earlier, J was very well-liked and her theory made sense, so the members voted according to what J said.

End result,
President        : Tooty
Vice president: J (impressive, she was not nominated for any post in the initial list)
Secretary        : Me

I actually agreed with what J said during the election, but after the new committee was chosen, she came to me and said "不好意思害你做不成主席,我真的没有办法接受接下来一年要被你领导,如果不踢你下来的话我不会服气的咯" and went on and on for minutes about how she really didn't think I was qualified to lead a club and slipped in fake apologies in between her speech. Sejak mula-mula lagi I never intended to prove/defend myself, 大局已定, you have got what you wished, why do you have to 咄咄逼人???

Then my mom arrived to fetch me home, so J ended the conversation.

Then the Club started to work with the new committee leading. Sorry to say, I really thought that Tooty lacked charisma, and I was the type of dominant person who would go overboard and try to take over when I believed that I could do a better job. So I interrupted a lot. I never wanted to rampas kuasa, I was really just trying to contribute.

One time, halfway practising, Tooty and J ran to the corridor and pestered our classmates to join our club. I waited for a few minutes and decided to cut the pestering: "Aiya they don't want to join then don't join lah, come back in and practice".

I didn't notice that I had offended them. It didn't even cross my mind that I could have offended them, because we were really good friend (at least I thought so) and I thought if they were unhappy about anything, they would tell me straight. 

I. Was. Wrong. Again.

Not longer later, 2 of my friends told me to have 心理准备 (mental prepartion). They said they witnessed Tooty and J gathered all other committee members and brainwashed them, told them that they were very unsatisfied about my attitude, said that they wanted to have a review meeting--namely 检讨会, but the main purpose was to kick me out or at least kena me gao gao.

On the way to the meeting, I texted SY and told him that I panicked. I knew they were going to attack me. I told him that what I feared was to find out that they did it on purpose; I'd rather that I was really at fault, at least I wouldn't feel betrayed. He asked me to just keep calm and have an open heart about what they wanted to say. I said I would try my best.

Then the accusation started... J said that my existence in the club spoiled the club's reputation, my action of stopping them when they pestered people to join made all outsiders reluctant to join the club, the way I talked to Tooty and her was never with respect bla bla bla. Tooty sat there and cried through the whole meeting, saying that me trying to interrupt how she led the club gave her so much stress lah, she couldn't take it lah, she felt that I wanted to steal her post lah, basically the same as what J said. Then she thanked J for giving her support, telling her what to do--okay lah when she told her what to do you appreciated it, when I did it was out of disrespect???

(I am sorry to be mean but, if you felt so stressed being the president and didn't think you could do a good job, why didn't you quit? Complain cry complain cry..... nobody forced you what? 没有那样大的头就不要带那样大的帽,吃的咸鱼抵得渴okay? Not targeting you, just saying)

I asked which part of my speech to them was without respect, J said it was my tone. WHAT TONE WTF how the fuck would I know that I had to jaga my tone when I talked to my good friends just because they now held posts higher-ranked than me???

And she said,

"we ALL disliked your existence in this club and if you don't change, we would like you to leave."

then why throughout the meeting, only J and the crying Tooty brought up how they thought there was a problem with me? Maybe the rest of them didn't dare to speak out but all I noticed was, ALL other committee members was keeping quiet, except one who came from my church who shouted to me, 

"Do you have any idea how the whole school hates you since you entered this school in Form 1? EVERYBODY HATES YOU"

(she is also another friend whom I thought to be a good friend, we talked a lot, gossiped about other people, shared feelings and thoughts sometimes. After the incident she actually acted friendly to me again..... maybe she could not decide whether she likes or hates me wtf)

Then I couldn't hold back anymore. I shouted back and defended myself, begging them not to pick on me. I asked them what I did wrong, I explained myself that I never thought I had to talk to J and Tooty full of respect just because they were at higher ranks. For the first time I broke down in public and revealed how I felt being misunderstood, how it hurt me that no matter how hard I tried, they who disliked me still went on with their prejudice and made life difficult for me. My whole mind and heart were bombarded by emotions, I almost cried but I held it back.

I had no idea how the meeting ended. All I could remember was myself shedding tears on the roadside while MinYi and I were waiting for my mom to fetch, then I burst out crying when I reached home and told my family about it, almost cried when that 2 friends who informed me beforehand asked me about the meeting the next day and cried again when I told Wan Yu that I felt really hurt because I treated them as good friends but they did this to me. At the same time, I was unsure whether I was really at fault, so after the meeting, I stopped talking to them like we did before--no more teasing, joking, making fun; full of respect as they demanded. I made sure I asked for their permission first before I did anything related to club matters. Then J said, "you don't have to ask us everything, just do as what you think is better"

Remember? It used to be my hobby during Standard 6.

Seriously, if not because I needed the co-curricular mark for JPA scholarship application, I would have flipped table during the meeting and left the club for good. #likeaboss #butididnot

Another thing, J and her sister (duet) joined the singing competition held by our own choir club. N and I joined too, we sang Because of You and we won :D She was very 不甘心 (not resigned to) losing to me, she went and asked the judges (teachers) why they lost. Yet another rivalry... we were both good in writing. And I used to show J short stories/poems I wrote, she brought back home to read and the next day she said, "Really your creation? How come I read it in some publications?" and my face was like "are you fucking kidding me" then she went, "haaa I just wanted to test whether you plagiarize because my sister and I suspected so."

...... okay.

Not sure in Form 4 or Form 5, her article won a prize in a Chinese writing competition. I contributed in that article. She asked me to read and comment before she turned the article in, and I'm good at writing brief ending with strong impact, so I helped to improve her original less powerful one. (you can call me arrogant, but it's true......) I'm not saying that she won solely because of the ending I wrote, but I helped, yet she never even said a single "thank you"... I actually had forgotten this totally, my mom reminded me about it. Heh.

Form 5

J didn't join debate. Some friends told me that one day after school dismissed, Miss K asked J why she quit and J was in tears complaining how miserable it was to work with me. (Ahhhh I should have gone to cry to our club advisor and request to re-hold the review meeting with the presence of advisor...) Whereas Choir Club became weakly organized, the performances were kelam-kabut (not I said wan, many of our mutual friends asked MinYi and I why the club became so cincai), the new guru penasihat didn't approve the events they wanted to have, and when I talked to guru penasihat I got the approval almost without any difficulty. They still picked on me now and then, I gave less and less cooperation towards the end.

Before SPM, J asked me to write autograph for her. I magnified all good things about her and didn't write anything negative, but when she wrote mine--two pages full of criticism. I showed it to a few friends and asked them if I was biased or what she wrote was really too mean. ALL of them gave me the same response: Walao eh where got people write such mean things in autograph wan!!! don't feel sad okay, you know she is just jealous of you

That night I texted her because I 犯贱, I felt imbalanced and was hoping to hear something nice, but she replied me "不好意思揭你的疮疤,希望你读了以后会反省,期待看到你将来成为一个更好的人" (sorry for hurting your wounds, I hope you will turn over a new leaf after reading, looking forward to see you become a better person in the future)


Then we graduated. Met again when we went back to get our SPM result, zero interaction but I remember vividly how MinYi and I rolled eyes when we heard her said to another friend in blooming tone that "不好意思我全科A1~~~"

She memang always 不好意思 wan lah, every time she did something unpleasant to me she also 不好意思 de mah, 不好意思我和敏瑜也是全科1A咧~~~ but 不好意思 SPM straight 1As really doesn't mean a shit at all. Tertiary education is wayyyyy broader and specialized than what SPM covers. Anyway I just want to be sarcastic here lol.

A few weeks later, J sent me Facebook friend request twice and I rejected her. Then she had one of our mutual friends "suggest as friend" to me. I ignored again. She shot me a fb message titled "Old friend" which sounded: woi, how dare you ignored my friend request! and then sent me friend request for the third time. I approved her and removed her from my friend list after a few minutes.

Old friend??? Seriously??? How dare I ignore your friend request, how dare i.......

Bitch please, I even block you on Facebook until now.

(On a side note, I also blocked J's bestie who openly claimed that she disliked me yet begged MinYi to write her autograph for more than a year. After I unblocked her she liked one of my public profile picture -__- these people really mental one... is it really so hard to decide whether you like or hate me?) 

I am now fine with all people mentioned in this post except J. In fact I was already okay with everyone in the gang (Form 2) starting from.... Form 4? even in very good terms with a few among them. Ironically I barely talked to N after debate ended in Form 5... Got close to Huey Teng  and Karmen though. Also got close to my 2 puppy lovers (Standard 6 hehehehe). Other close friends...... sorry if I didn't mention your names, it was because you were not directly involved in the dramas, not that I heart you less okay 

(my boyfriend facepalm for 1 minute when he asked me how many close friends I had during high school and I told him...... erm, more than 20 actually. hahahaha)

I am super pleased that I finally spill everything out and did myself a little justice!!! I can now be free and draw a line between these unpleasant experience and my present!!!

Go ahead and say 风凉话 or curse me, anything that makes you happy lah~

The worse you treat me, the better karma rewards me =^.^=

(Did I say that I never changed and will never stop acting lansi?)

ps: I spent hours to write and you finish reading within minutes, so you shall check out (i.e. CLICK) the ads on my blog to give me some insignificant monetary consolation as a sign of moral support ngehehehe......

pps: I have 2 more stories to tell, but not largely related to me so I'll keep it for future posts.

Gymtank said he wants to contact J to "untie the knot" between me and her. Thank you, I really appreciate it, but I don't see the need to. I don't care whatever happens to this person, I don't want to know how she is doing now, I SWEAR TO MYSELF I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER ANYMORE IN MY LIFE. She has been disqualified from making it to my future, I don't fucking care how you think about this, whether or not your intention is good. Anyone who tries to approach me on her behalf or for her will be blocked from my life like how I do so to her. Just let me move on can? It is not easy to walk out of the ghost of her deeds, I am fine and happy without this person in my life. And I don't want to feel bad acting mean to her. Surely I can let bygone by bygone and forgive her stupidity, but I'm simply not zen enough to erase whatever that happened from my memories.

And don't say I never warn, I can't promise that whatever message/email I received will be kept private. It might be the material for my next post. Quoting Jilliancat这个blog不是白开的,你只要开counter,就可以知道有几个人在这里留步。So be grateful that I didn't expose names + all other details that will embarrass you. Let it end here. Kthxbye, chapter closed.



  1. Reminds me so much of myself, though not as dramatic. :)

    1. Haha all of a sudden people tell me they had similar experience, perhaps I'm not the only one after all :D

  2. woo~~ this blog is cool.. cant believe that you have so much "experience" before, but glad that you finally split out and letting go.. haha.. waiting more great post from you..

    1. Heeeee tenkiu tenkiu. The next post might be after 2 months cuz I'll be busy as hell!

    2. 2 month?? woo~ that's a long time, but for good post, it's worth waiting.. haha..

  3. Kinda envy what you experienced in your secondary school life eh, compared with yours mine is like plain water je and yours like some vodka whatever XD

    1. Trust me it's not something to be envious of! Drama-less is good!

  4. So aggressive you see her. :p

    1. So adorable you see your admirer ^^

    2. I mean "(everybody) see (you) being so aggressive for the extra note left up there" larh dui.

    3. Don't cheat hor, when you typed that I haven't added the extra note hor. #fail

    4. You added the last part TWICE.....think again...

    5. ??? Anyway I think what you mean should be "so aggressively you see her"

    6. It was right. It is "so aggressive you (everyone) see her (YOU) being", for that update. Argh

    7. My POV,
      "So aggressively i see her = the way i see her is aggressive"
      just as,
      "He views the incident rationally = So rationally he views the incident = the way he views the incident is rational"

      No? I'm confused. And this convo is turning into an educational grammar discussion... But never mind :D

    8. I mean you are being so aggressive for writing the update!!!! == == == == == == == == == == ==

  5. "期待看到你将来成为一个更好的人" LOL this part made me laughed because it complements well with that meme!!!

    Actually you don't have to delete anyone's friend request. Leave their friend request hanging and let them feel desperate enough that in the end they will cancel the friend request. :P

    1. Haha that was like 3 years ago and I just created FB account not long. Now I know this trick :P