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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Bersih 3.0

If you have been following my activities on my personal FB account, I'm sure that you notice a lot of pro-Bersih and Anti-Lynas posts from me.

Keep the long story short, I shared because I want people on my friend list to have the awareness about human rights. Not just about the warfare of my country, but about human rights

As a United Nations activist (who once chaired a Model United Nations conference...), it would be a huge shame if I keep quiet and hide from the light just because of this sponsorship I am under... Yes I am not supposed to take part in political activities, and yes I do obey this-- I am not pro or against any political parties. I just want all of us to be aware of the rights we have, and that if we do not speak up to protect our rights, we are fated to face oppression from the authorities who misuse their power which are granted by us, the people who elect them.

Look at those "Third World" countries of which people in deep poverty... The authorities are rich. The governors are rich. The upper class is filthy rich. So ask the question: why are there people starving to death every single second, when the country is not that poor? How come the diseases spread among the people never get to the attention of the public health sector? 

It is not about the lack of food or technology. It is about the lack of knowledge, the lack of courage, the lack of willingness to stand up and fight for what they deserve. It is about power. Power misused and power not put to use. People should never fear the government -I have said this thousands time- the government should fear the people. Look at Egypt. Look at Libya. Look at Yemen. These are the countries we considered less advanced, less literate than Malaysia. Look at their situation now. And ours???

This is a video produced by my friends in Madison, Wisconsin. I regret to say that I didn't join them on that day because of the warning from my sponsor. What they said was simple, but I am truly touched.

"We want our voices to be heard."
"We want Malaysian media to be free of political influence."
"I want all the Malaysians to be able to speak up without having to wear a mask."
"All we want is a clean and fair election."

So simple. Yet so hard to achieve in today's Malaysia... how come?

To all those people who asked me, 
"Why waste time and energy to protest? It's not gonna work."
"You think sharing these posts is gonna make a difference? Are you this naive?"
"Just live life as usual lah. So sibuk for what?"

I know, I know. Individual efforts are insignificant. Doesn't mean individual effort is useless! If you don't stand up now, when things get serious nobody will stand up for you because by then they are all gone. Don't wait until you are buried in the grave you dig for yourself can? Why give up on the rights you deserve?

Do you know that Bersih 3.0 has gone global? Do you know how impact-ful a global event can be?

You know what? Changes will never happen on its own without initiation. What makes you think that a better future for our country will fall from sky if you just sit at home and be ignorant, waiting for other people to fight it for you?

Have you heard about the Starfish Story? Together we can make a huge difference.

Thank you corruption, Malaysians have never been this united. People who contribute their parts, well done. Now just carry on with your passion and see if we can direct Malaysia to a good turning point.

May tomorrow be better :)


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dark side of my school years (Part 2)

Here come the heavy part of the deepest confession......

(Inhale. Exhale. Inhaleeeeee. Exhaleeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

I have fully got over the primary school dramas because....
(1) I think I did deserve some parts of it: I did go against the school rules, bully people back out of self-defend and act lansi intentionally after being labelled arrogant
(2) Most people, students and teachers, who mistreated/misjudged me were not people I cared about
(3) It was freaking loooooong time ago. 10 years ago you see? Time does help a lot in the recovery part when there is affirmative love which heals all the wounds. 

(go and read Part 1 now if you haven't, these 2 posts are supposed to be read chronologically)

But high school dramas are very, very different.

It was still stories about bully, betrayal and prejudice, but in a much larger scale, combined with identity crisis, love sickness, rebellion against parents, academic stress...... everything. Teenage years are hard unless you don't have a life.

This part is very saddening because almost all dramas involved people whom I used to be close to. And I really wish all those disputes never happened. They were dear friends I used to heart, but I simply screwed things up, not knowing what exactly I should do to save things. We were like pathetic porcupines, ejecting the thorns to hurt others out of defend and ended up exposing ourselves to more injuries...??? Okay I know this simile sucks.

If you are reading this, pardon my ego and cowardice for not handling things in a better way. I am truly sorry that I have hurt you in some ways, I miss the moments when we were close, but what done is done. If you happen to suffer guilt like I do (although I don't think any of you would), it's time to forgive yourself and let go of the mistakes; if you are still bitter about it.... have faith that karma will do you justice. It's time to shake it off and move on with your life. 

Don't let the past defines you. Be it You define the past.

I know ALL the people involved are good friends of some of you whom you might want to defend, especially if the person was actually well-liked and looked up to; I am not trying to spoil their images or to imply that they were hypocrites, I would not deny that they could be really good people to you all, but they simply did not treat me the way they treated you all...

And once again I swear I am not making things up. What happened between me and them might be really unbelievable, but this is the truth you did not see. Maybe my memory is distorted at some parts, whatever I write is from my viewpoint after all so I won't claim that the stories are bias-free. It's up to you to judge. I welcome any "bite-back", but I don't think I will be interested to defend myself further. Of course I wasn't all angelic, I did mistakes too, I guess it's just human nature that I remember people's mistakes and forgot mine; it's totally up to you whether to reveal how terrible I was, if I ever was.

As I said, I am doing this solely for myself.

Form 1

I should have known that my life would never be free of dramas. Not long after Form 1 started, I lost a very dear guy friend because I was very 任性 (wayward). I went overboard several times and he finally got pissed. 

It was completely my fault. 

Due to what happened during the previous years, my ego was super huge because I know my haters wanted to see me fail, suffer, sulk. Pride was my only protection to hide how insecure and wounded I actually was. All I wanted to do was to save my stupid ego, and I shot him a letter consisted of all lies, boosting about how I didn't give 2 hoots about losing his friendship and bluffing that all this while I was just exploiting him to be my servant--something like that. Things would be totally different today if I stepped backward and apologized... but both of us were egoistic. We both swore that we would never apologize first.

It was one of the biggest mistakes I made. I couldn't imagine how badly I hurt him... We were so close for almost a year and he was there for me through my ups and downs during Standard 6. He taught me how to play China yoyo, we wrote letters to each other, we lepak at isolated school areas sharing secrets, he opened up to me and I even called him my god-brother yet I did that to him just to retrieve my ego after stepping across the line and pissed him off. Tell me why the fuck did I evaluate empty pride higher than a precious friendship? It's not like I had a lot of sincere friends to lose. Yet...

He hated me to death. Together with Indon (okay I feel bad calling him Indon wtf) and some jealous bitches whom I never insulted in our class, they tried every way possible to annoy me every single day. The girls went around and told lies about me to get everybody hates me, writing on the walls, doors, tables, everywhere you could think of that 郑欣柔是姣婆 (Tey Sin Ruow is a slut),郑欣柔抢人家的男朋友(TSR steals people's boyfriends),郑欣柔走路抬头挺胸以为自己奶很大(TSR walks with her chest and chin up thinking her boobs are very big) etc. And wherever I went, as long as I walked into their sight, they would start calling me by derogatory terms or said that I made the air stink.

(You can still see those vandalism if you go back to my high school now, especially on the KH-ERT lab tables.)

I used to fight back whenever people insulted me, but starting from this year, I kept quiet and ignored them, acting cool/indifferent. I thought they would stop after a while if they failed to piss me, but they continued the verbal abuse.

On a grateful note, I became BFF with the siao za bor sitting beside me, Loh Min Yi  and we sat together till we graduated except Form 4 cuz we were in different classes. She is a treasure from God. (so cheesy wei wtf) Until Form 5 I accumulated a number of treasures but she was the very first to be at my side, or else I could not imagine how I survived my high school years.

I lost touch with S6 because we were scattered in different classes; on the other hand, I made friends with a group of people from another primary school; they were mostly from another class but we went to tuition classes together. I had a lot of fun with them during tuition, and the most epic of all was that N challenged me to unzip my shirt and said that he would unzip his pants if I did, and I went,

then I unzipped and zipped back really fast (in 1 second, so fast I didn't expose anything inside actually) and they were like

D: D: O: O:

Then N immediately started undoing his belt buckle, zipped down and stripped down a little and we all went mad and died laughing. Dunno why so happy wtf. 

Within a week there were 4 versions of rumor in school:
1) N challenged me to unzip my shirt and I took it, then he unzipped his pants (correct one)
2) We suddenly unzipped because gatal (hello in public how to gatal)
3) I unzipped my shirt and then challenged N to unzip his pants (wtf)
4) I unzipped my shirt and then unzipped N's pants (wtf max!!!)

About that time N and I started writing letters... writing letters was such a popular trend back then hahaha. And I also started to have feelings for him. *blush* lol

I thought I found the gang I belonged to, I really liked them a lot but little did I know, they became the initiators of my nightmare for the whole coming year.

Form 2

It was just the first few days of classes and everyone in that gang except N turned their back on me. I swear I didn't insult them in any way... I liked them, remember? Perhaps they suddenly decided that I was unlike-able and wanted to make life difficult for me. Poor me didn't even notice that they grouped together and talked bad things about me, teasing me at my back. I thought that we became distant just because of the long year-end holidays. And I thought I would be one among them again in a few days time.

Then N asked me to the canteen and told me what was happening behind my back. It was like a sudden thunderstorm just when I thought my days would finally go all sunny.

N said that the gang threatened to boycott him if he chose to side me, but he failed to convince himself to hate me because I did nothing wrong, and that the only reason causing their attitude change that he could think of was jealousy. (not I make up wan ah, I am quoting exactly how I remember it) And he asked me to be careful because they were going to launch attacks on me soon.

I was too shocked to say anything; I only remember myself nodding a lot and holding back tears.

Soon the attacks started. Getting verbal abuse was my daily routine. I did fight back a little but what do you think I could do? They were so fucking influential, one of them was the granddaughter of the chairperson of my school. People feared the gang. The next week almost nobody dared to talk to me except a few of my close friends who also got attacked. The gang even told some popular male seniors that I liked them and I was a slut yadda yadda. They simply paired me up with random guys and spread rumors to make me sound like a whore...

And then I was so stupid that I created a fake story to claim that I had a boyfriend, and I used a picture of a mix teen model to be my "proof".  Of course they found out about it very soon and I got humiliated even more.

Meanwhile I threw a piece of chalk at a teacher. Okay this is irrelevant.

They made prank calls to my home several times. The only two I remember vividly were
(1) I picked up the phone and the person at the other end started shouting rude words and said everything to humiliate me
(2) My mom picked up the call and the person told her that they kidnapped me because I had been engaged in prostitution and they wanted to send me to Thailand. 我们要送你的女儿要去泰国做鸡

I was right beside my mom that time. And I was fucking sure it was them because I could recognize their voices.

The influential girl... she offered to fetch one of my close friend who lived nearby to school, hinting that all he had to do was to join them in boycotting me. He rejected. Oh and I got to know because he told me.

The guy who poured water on my head before (let me call him A), he poured unknown power into my drinking bottle and the water turned chalky. I almost reported to the teacher but he begged me not to and insisted that the powder was not harmful, so I didn't. 

At tuition class, they chased me away from where I sat initially because they wanted the whole table from their gang. What they did was not asking me to sit elsewhere straight away; they waited until I settled down, and told me that the seat was reserved for someone, then I shifted and they played the same trick--repeated for a few times. In the end I went and sat at the corner furthest to the white board even though I arrived early, just to avoid the embarrassment.

Imagine how hard I tried to hide all these from my parents. Maybe I shouldn't?

One day, they wrote defaming things about me on a piece of paper and passed it around the class. During  Physical Education class, when everyone was not in the classroom, I went back to the classroom and found the paper. 

What did they write? My name and prostitution.

My class teacher passed by and saw me holding the paper. She was really mad. She passed it to my Bahasa Cina (Chinese language) teacher to figure out whose handwriting those were. He managed to, and threatened to report it to the Principal unless they admitted it to him. They freaked out. They asked A to send their apology and begged me to tell our BC teacher to let this incident slip.

I know it sounded very stupid but...... I accepted the apology and persuaded the teacher to forgive them. He insisted that they had to go to him and admit it, because bullying, especially defaming, is a very serious issue and he had to do what he should do as a teacher.

They finally went to him and admitted it. The attacks ended after the incident, but the effect was never erased for the whole year. 

What touched me was, when I asked N to stop siding me, he asked me not to worry because he never regretted it.

Another gift of the year was that I got close to Low Wan Yu  who had bias on me during primary school. She and Tooty sat in front of me, and Tooty told her that I wasn't the terrible person like what people described. As time passed by, she got to see who I truly was. I am also thankful that Sheau Hong , whom I attended tuition with (our parents did car pooling), sided me the whole time and accompanied me to sit at the far back. And Aisha , who is getting married soon, thank you for defending me at tuition classes and in school. She was the one who fought for me when she heard people who didn't know me at all talking bad about me, questioning their credibility to comment about me.

I am really grateful that although I wasn't popular or well-liked, I have these true friends who were there for me when everyone else boycotted me. I don't need a lot of friends (although I have a lot now); a few true, sincere ones would suffice. I think I was luckier than those who stuck together as a gang but back-stabbed each other all the time (I have always been observant).

Form 3

Joined debate and got close to Gymtank Chew Shih Yuin. He taught me a lot of things but that was also when people started taking us as an item... Shih Ting lah!!! 明明知道 there was nothing between her brother and I, but instead of clarifying, she made it sound more fishy until I lost all market until graduation fml fml fml. But Gymtank said I should thank him cuz if my market wasn't closed, I might not have my 2 awesome relationships after high school o_O 

Hhmm this does make sense but stilllllllllll

No significant dramas, but I started to really isolate myself from people and became a suffer-in-silence over thinker. I fell into the state of despair and depression. Disappointment on humanities peaked. I remember myself crawling up in bed weeping for hours because I was so ashamed of myself. I dunno how to explain this, I just felt that I had lost the will to carry on in life.

My relationship with my mom got worse. It started to get bad since Form 2, when I was no longer the number 1 in class. Every day she scolded me for not scoring a higher score. As long as I didn't score the highest in class for that subject she would scold me non-stop and said I disappointed her. Just fyi, she never allowed me to hang out with friends after school or attend any party... I was devastated to the maximum because whatever I did couldn't get her approval. I felt that she was never proud of me. 

But I am thankful that our relationship gets intimate again starting from Form 5. She now frequently tells me that she loves me and feels proud of me... Okay don't want to elaborate more I am tearing already ;_; Oh and to think of it, she was always there when people bullied/betrayed/mistreated me... Okay I said I don't want to elaborate more already lahhhhhhhhhh

Something significant: Got close to Michelle ♥ Life didn't treat me that bad after all eh? :)

Form 4

And now the story was all about this person whom I got the biggest betrayal from.

J had been someone I thought to be a close friend for years. We participated in poem-reciting competition as a group in Form 2 and Form 3. In Form 3, we formed a debate team, and other teammates and I even stayed at her house for lunch once to discuss about the debate topic. In short, she was a friend whom I opened up to and had fun with, and I thought she knew who I was and considered me as a close friend too.

Perhaps I was wrong?

So in Form 3, both of us were offered to join the school debate team as reserve, but there was only one seat. She was busy with co-curricular activities so I took the offer. On the same year, both of us joined Choir Club. 

In Form 4, both of us were in school debate team. I was better in grasping and organizing ideas, so I sorta led the team. I put a lot of pressure on my teammates, I wanted all of us to give our best and win the competition. I admit that I was very dominant. And she said she felt hell stressed because of me. Actually my other teammates said the same thing lah.

And the chaos started.

All of us in the team were Form 4 students except 1 who was in Form 5. This Form 5 girl often brought along her homework and studied for SPM when we had our discussion about the debate topic. Soon we all got equally annoyed. At the same time, we thought that since she had problem juggling between debate and studies, it might be better to have her make a choice.

J suggested that we told the teacher in charge to have her kicked out.

Other teammates strongly agreed. So we did. Then we asked J to explain nicely to her so that she didn't think that we hated her or something. J was very well-liked and gave people the impression that she was mature and caring, so we trusted her completely.

A few days later, I met the Form 5 girl at canteen. I approached her and she was very reluctant to talk to me. So I asked her, didn't J explain to you already? You seemed so.... resentful.

She went, "Yeah, she told me how all of you insisted to have me kicked out despite how she defended me."

I was shocked. Then I told her that it was actually J who suggested to have her kicked out; at the beginning we were just complaining that she did not pay attention during the discussion.

Now she was shocked. She told me what J told her: we disliked her, J tried to persuade us to give her chance but we refused to, J defended her, we gave pressure to J and made her follow us to tell the teacher about it........ yadda yadda.

She had tears in her eyes when she told me all these. She said she thought we all hated her and didn't want to work with her as a team.

Good job J.

Somewhat when I had random chat with J later, I told her that I thought she 刻意用别人会尊敬的形象包装自己 (masked herself with what makes people think highly about her?). The next day she told me that she went back home and thought about what I said, and she went, "你说得对,我其实就是伪善". ("you're right, I'm a hypocrite") I was speechless for a while because it wasn't what I meant at first; and it seemed like I triggered her to confess about her true colors...?

At the same time, Shih Yuin who had already graduated came back to guide us in preparation for the debate competition. As I mentioned earlier, I was (still am) close to him, and I sensed admiration from J towards him... :P which the Form 5 girl also agreed that it was damn obvious (before she got kicked out). For example, most of the time when I presented a point, J would argue but once SY restated the same point, she immediately agreed. Maybe he was better in presenting ideas? chehhhhh tak mungkin lah.

J has a novel which was Shih Yuin's most favorite novel (my most favorite novel too). I told her about it in the morning; the afternoon of the same day, she called me on the phone and sounded really excited:

"I finished the book!!! The main character is exactly like Shih Yuin!!! yadda yadda yadda"

Then I think she realized that I sounded too chill while she sounded too excited and ended the call abruptly. lol. Later she said she 敬仰 (look up to) him and once in a while she would say something like she didn't understand how we were so close/like-minded etc. 

Long story short, I won The Best Speaker Awards in the competitions our team manage to make it through. I believe that she was very upset. Yet she gained a big supporter: our BC teacher Miss K! After the district-level competition held in our school ended, Miss K told the class that in her opinion, J was the best debater in the competition-- Sin Ruow also did not bad. Haha okay. Luckily Miss K was not the judge or else I wouldn't have won the award :P

After we lost to Melaka the debate came to an end; and started the Choir Club chaos.

During new committee election, our guru penasihat (our advisor) nominated me to be the President, Tooty the Vice President. J objected and said that Tooty should be the President because she was a Grade 8 pianist whereas I had no basis in music. She nominated me to be the secretary. As I said earlier, J was very well-liked and her theory made sense, so the members voted according to what J said.

End result,
President        : Tooty
Vice president: J (impressive, she was not nominated for any post in the initial list)
Secretary        : Me

I actually agreed with what J said during the election, but after the new committee was chosen, she came to me and said "不好意思害你做不成主席,我真的没有办法接受接下来一年要被你领导,如果不踢你下来的话我不会服气的咯" and went on and on for minutes about how she really didn't think I was qualified to lead a club and slipped in fake apologies in between her speech. Sejak mula-mula lagi I never intended to prove/defend myself, 大局已定, you have got what you wished, why do you have to 咄咄逼人???

Then my mom arrived to fetch me home, so J ended the conversation.

Then the Club started to work with the new committee leading. Sorry to say, I really thought that Tooty lacked charisma, and I was the type of dominant person who would go overboard and try to take over when I believed that I could do a better job. So I interrupted a lot. I never wanted to rampas kuasa, I was really just trying to contribute.

One time, halfway practising, Tooty and J ran to the corridor and pestered our classmates to join our club. I waited for a few minutes and decided to cut the pestering: "Aiya they don't want to join then don't join lah, come back in and practice".

I didn't notice that I had offended them. It didn't even cross my mind that I could have offended them, because we were really good friend (at least I thought so) and I thought if they were unhappy about anything, they would tell me straight. 

I. Was. Wrong. Again.

Not longer later, 2 of my friends told me to have 心理准备 (mental prepartion). They said they witnessed Tooty and J gathered all other committee members and brainwashed them, told them that they were very unsatisfied about my attitude, said that they wanted to have a review meeting--namely 检讨会, but the main purpose was to kick me out or at least kena me gao gao.

On the way to the meeting, I texted SY and told him that I panicked. I knew they were going to attack me. I told him that what I feared was to find out that they did it on purpose; I'd rather that I was really at fault, at least I wouldn't feel betrayed. He asked me to just keep calm and have an open heart about what they wanted to say. I said I would try my best.

Then the accusation started... J said that my existence in the club spoiled the club's reputation, my action of stopping them when they pestered people to join made all outsiders reluctant to join the club, the way I talked to Tooty and her was never with respect bla bla bla. Tooty sat there and cried through the whole meeting, saying that me trying to interrupt how she led the club gave her so much stress lah, she couldn't take it lah, she felt that I wanted to steal her post lah, basically the same as what J said. Then she thanked J for giving her support, telling her what to do--okay lah when she told her what to do you appreciated it, when I did it was out of disrespect???

(I am sorry to be mean but, if you felt so stressed being the president and didn't think you could do a good job, why didn't you quit? Complain cry complain cry..... nobody forced you what? 没有那样大的头就不要带那样大的帽,吃的咸鱼抵得渴okay? Not targeting you, just saying)

I asked which part of my speech to them was without respect, J said it was my tone. WHAT TONE WTF how the fuck would I know that I had to jaga my tone when I talked to my good friends just because they now held posts higher-ranked than me???

And she said,

"we ALL disliked your existence in this club and if you don't change, we would like you to leave."

then why throughout the meeting, only J and the crying Tooty brought up how they thought there was a problem with me? Maybe the rest of them didn't dare to speak out but all I noticed was, ALL other committee members was keeping quiet, except one who came from my church who shouted to me, 

"Do you have any idea how the whole school hates you since you entered this school in Form 1? EVERYBODY HATES YOU"

(she is also another friend whom I thought to be a good friend, we talked a lot, gossiped about other people, shared feelings and thoughts sometimes. After the incident she actually acted friendly to me again..... maybe she could not decide whether she likes or hates me wtf)

Then I couldn't hold back anymore. I shouted back and defended myself, begging them not to pick on me. I asked them what I did wrong, I explained myself that I never thought I had to talk to J and Tooty full of respect just because they were at higher ranks. For the first time I broke down in public and revealed how I felt being misunderstood, how it hurt me that no matter how hard I tried, they who disliked me still went on with their prejudice and made life difficult for me. My whole mind and heart were bombarded by emotions, I almost cried but I held it back.

I had no idea how the meeting ended. All I could remember was myself shedding tears on the roadside while MinYi and I were waiting for my mom to fetch, then I burst out crying when I reached home and told my family about it, almost cried when that 2 friends who informed me beforehand asked me about the meeting the next day and cried again when I told Wan Yu that I felt really hurt because I treated them as good friends but they did this to me. At the same time, I was unsure whether I was really at fault, so after the meeting, I stopped talking to them like we did before--no more teasing, joking, making fun; full of respect as they demanded. I made sure I asked for their permission first before I did anything related to club matters. Then J said, "you don't have to ask us everything, just do as what you think is better"

Remember? It used to be my hobby during Standard 6.

Seriously, if not because I needed the co-curricular mark for JPA scholarship application, I would have flipped table during the meeting and left the club for good. #likeaboss #butididnot

Another thing, J and her sister (duet) joined the singing competition held by our own choir club. N and I joined too, we sang Because of You and we won :D She was very 不甘心 (not resigned to) losing to me, she went and asked the judges (teachers) why they lost. Yet another rivalry... we were both good in writing. And I used to show J short stories/poems I wrote, she brought back home to read and the next day she said, "Really your creation? How come I read it in some publications?" and my face was like "are you fucking kidding me" then she went, "haaa I just wanted to test whether you plagiarize because my sister and I suspected so."

...... okay.

Not sure in Form 4 or Form 5, her article won a prize in a Chinese writing competition. I contributed in that article. She asked me to read and comment before she turned the article in, and I'm good at writing brief ending with strong impact, so I helped to improve her original less powerful one. (you can call me arrogant, but it's true......) I'm not saying that she won solely because of the ending I wrote, but I helped, yet she never even said a single "thank you"... I actually had forgotten this totally, my mom reminded me about it. Heh.

Form 5

J didn't join debate. Some friends told me that one day after school dismissed, Miss K asked J why she quit and J was in tears complaining how miserable it was to work with me. (Ahhhh I should have gone to cry to our club advisor and request to re-hold the review meeting with the presence of advisor...) Whereas Choir Club became weakly organized, the performances were kelam-kabut (not I said wan, many of our mutual friends asked MinYi and I why the club became so cincai), the new guru penasihat didn't approve the events they wanted to have, and when I talked to guru penasihat I got the approval almost without any difficulty. They still picked on me now and then, I gave less and less cooperation towards the end.

Before SPM, J asked me to write autograph for her. I magnified all good things about her and didn't write anything negative, but when she wrote mine--two pages full of criticism. I showed it to a few friends and asked them if I was biased or what she wrote was really too mean. ALL of them gave me the same response: Walao eh where got people write such mean things in autograph wan!!! don't feel sad okay, you know she is just jealous of you

That night I texted her because I 犯贱, I felt imbalanced and was hoping to hear something nice, but she replied me "不好意思揭你的疮疤,希望你读了以后会反省,期待看到你将来成为一个更好的人" (sorry for hurting your wounds, I hope you will turn over a new leaf after reading, looking forward to see you become a better person in the future)


Then we graduated. Met again when we went back to get our SPM result, zero interaction but I remember vividly how MinYi and I rolled eyes when we heard her said to another friend in blooming tone that "不好意思我全科A1~~~"

She memang always 不好意思 wan lah, every time she did something unpleasant to me she also 不好意思 de mah, 不好意思我和敏瑜也是全科1A咧~~~ but 不好意思 SPM straight 1As really doesn't mean a shit at all. Tertiary education is wayyyyy broader and specialized than what SPM covers. Anyway I just want to be sarcastic here lol.

A few weeks later, J sent me Facebook friend request twice and I rejected her. Then she had one of our mutual friends "suggest as friend" to me. I ignored again. She shot me a fb message titled "Old friend" which sounded: woi, how dare you ignored my friend request! and then sent me friend request for the third time. I approved her and removed her from my friend list after a few minutes.

Old friend??? Seriously??? How dare I ignore your friend request, how dare i.......

Bitch please, I even block you on Facebook until now.

(On a side note, I also blocked J's bestie who openly claimed that she disliked me yet begged MinYi to write her autograph for more than a year. After I unblocked her she liked one of my public profile picture -__- these people really mental one... is it really so hard to decide whether you like or hate me?) 

I am now fine with all people mentioned in this post except J. In fact I was already okay with everyone in the gang (Form 2) starting from.... Form 4? even in very good terms with a few among them. Ironically I barely talked to N after debate ended in Form 5... Got close to Huey Teng  and Karmen though. Also got close to my 2 puppy lovers (Standard 6 hehehehe). Other close friends...... sorry if I didn't mention your names, it was because you were not directly involved in the dramas, not that I heart you less okay 

(my boyfriend facepalm for 1 minute when he asked me how many close friends I had during high school and I told him...... erm, more than 20 actually. hahahaha)

I am super pleased that I finally spill everything out and did myself a little justice!!! I can now be free and draw a line between these unpleasant experience and my present!!!

Go ahead and say 风凉话 or curse me, anything that makes you happy lah~

The worse you treat me, the better karma rewards me =^.^=

(Did I say that I never changed and will never stop acting lansi?)

ps: I spent hours to write and you finish reading within minutes, so you shall check out (i.e. CLICK) the ads on my blog to give me some insignificant monetary consolation as a sign of moral support ngehehehe......

pps: I have 2 more stories to tell, but not largely related to me so I'll keep it for future posts.

Gymtank said he wants to contact J to "untie the knot" between me and her. Thank you, I really appreciate it, but I don't see the need to. I don't care whatever happens to this person, I don't want to know how she is doing now, I SWEAR TO MYSELF I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER ANYMORE IN MY LIFE. She has been disqualified from making it to my future, I don't fucking care how you think about this, whether or not your intention is good. Anyone who tries to approach me on her behalf or for her will be blocked from my life like how I do so to her. Just let me move on can? It is not easy to walk out of the ghost of her deeds, I am fine and happy without this person in my life. And I don't want to feel bad acting mean to her. Surely I can let bygone by bygone and forgive her stupidity, but I'm simply not zen enough to erase whatever that happened from my memories.

And don't say I never warn, I can't promise that whatever message/email I received will be kept private. It might be the material for my next post. Quoting Jilliancat这个blog不是白开的,你只要开counter,就可以知道有几个人在这里留步。So be grateful that I didn't expose names + all other details that will embarrass you. Let it end here. Kthxbye, chapter closed.


Dark side of my school years (Part 1)

Note: I yabbered quite long before going into the main stories but you shall not skip! Every single word of this post is significant okay wtf.

I never thought blogging this is gonna be easy, although I have been drafting this blog post mentally for a very long time. Yet when I really sit down, trying to pen down my thoughts, it is still a whole lot tougher than I have expected.

To be honest with you I have been dragging for a few days because I don't know how to begin! I dunno how to present my stories less biased, or with the least harm to the characters involved. And I am highly aware of the consequences of blogging this out-- hatred, despise, doubt, more misconception about who I am, etc etc. Some bitter people might even curse me and my unborn children wtf.

Nonetheless, since I have decided so I shall go ahead with it. And I swear upon the lives of my unborn kitties (lol) that I telling the true stories as how I remember them.

I hardly mention my past. In fact, I never really talked about my primary+secondary school years back in hometown. My college friends do know that I don't look up to (or dislike, or sometimes even to an extent of hate) people from my hometown, but I never told them the exact reason other than portraying those people as extremely nosy and uncivilized hahahaha.

No, not that the past still cuts open my wounds nor makes me feel ashamed of myself. It just doesn't bug me much as I go on with my blessed life full of prosperity =^_^= And I do not want to be a past-oriented person dwelling in my unpleasant experience, putting my awesome present and future to waste!

So you are thinking, then why the fuck this siao za bor is wasting so much time writing this for the whole world to see? 

Well... I am writing this not to put shame on people who have distorted my personality so bad nor to gain sympathy. I am driven by the exact opposite intention.

I want to let go completely whatever happened to me in the past. 

I want to forgive all the people whom I never really forgive (although I will still be unwilling to accept them  as if nothing happened before);
I want to stop loading my heart with hatred every time I think about whatever shit they have done to me (yes I still do, although my friends keep telling me that I now lead a life tenfold more awesome and have no reason to feel bitter);
I want to look back and feel proud of what I have gone through, not to drown in self-pity and guilt, questioning myself if I really deserved those bullies and bad treatments;
And I want to forgive myself for shit I have done to people, whether or not it was to seek revenge.

Most importantly, I want myself to never ever crawl back into the shadow anymore when I face hardship in the future, because an unfortunate experience does not give you the excuse to  run away from mistakes you make or to take people who are genuinely good to you for granted. 

Nobody fucking owes you. Life does not owe you. If you never learn from the past and turn the painful experience into something useful for your present and future, you have no one to blame except yourself. I want myself to remember stop blaming it on the past when I become irresponsible towards myself or unreasonable towards people who love me.

So..... Those of you who said I am protective (i.e. do not open up easily), 不简单 (= not simple), observant (lol okay maybe it's a wee bit creepy how I give people the "I know what you did last summer" impression hahahaha) and mature (perhaps I'm making this up?), here is what have shaped me to be awesome like I am now...

Standard 1

(since I decide to tell my story might as well start from the very beginning lah)

Volunteered to be the class monitor. See see, so young already so spotlight-seeking, you shall not blame me for something I was born with hahaha. Soon became the star of my year due to my charisma (wtf) because I loved to tell stories and jokes in front of the class during the gap of class periods. Some teachers who passed by saw what I did and told other teachers. Then those teachers who heard about it asked me to tell them the jokes/stories I told my classmates hahahahaha.

And sometimes I sat on the teacher's seat and instructed my classmates to line up and ask me to teach them the homework questions. Why so fucking act smart wan walao. One day I told my English teacher that my secret identity was sailormoon (wtf max) and suddenly every teacher asked me if I claimed myself as sailormoon. I also told one of my teachers that I liked a boy from another class (whom I know since kindergarten) which later the whole world knew!!! But I think I did go around telling people about that la ahahaha. But seriously adults (especially teachers! okay I am biased) can never be trusted. This point will be proven later.

As a class monitor, I was instructed to keep the class disciplined when the teachers were not in class. My job was to write down names of those who made noise on the blackboard. I didn't do so at the beginning because name written on blackboard = palm going to get canned 10 times. Yes 10 times. The class got out of control sometimes, and when teachers from the next class complained, everyone got canned 1 time but I got canned 3 times (until somewhere near my knuckle bled) + scolded in front of the class for minutes because I, the monitor, was supposed to keep the class quiet.

this is Sailormoon. Chio right. hahahaha

After that incident I wrote down names every time someone uttered a single word in class when the teachers were absent. Yes talk also cannot. One time I even wrote down the name of a boy just because he turned to the back and I was unsure whether he talked to the person sitting behind him. I said to the class that this boy had never got his name up the blackboard and asked if they thought he did talk. They voted yes. So I reported him. Luckily he cried and defended himself so the teacher didn't punish him... anyway I think I still get karma for this '__' misused power like that walao...

And there were 3 (they were neighbors) who often kena because they made a lot of noise and went around kacau other people once the teachers disappeared from sight. So they got canned a lot. Then one day before classes started, the elder brother of one of them (Standard 4) dragged me to an empty classroom and threaten me to stop reporting them to the teacher. He locked me at a corner using his body, yelled at me, punched the wall behind me and said if they ever got canned again the punch would land on my face.

I told my parents about it and they asked me to report to my class teacher. So I did. I don't remember how it happened but I'm sure the guy kena lah. And then that 3 monkeys tried to be friendly to me and convinced me to copy some words I didn't understand in a note to pass to the boy I liked wtf. And I did. The boy passed the note to his class teacher, and later the note was passed to my class teacher, and my class teacher was damn pissed because the words were something like 我爱你的懒叫 and 鸡白鸡白鸡白 on the back. (I love your lanjiao and cibai cibai cibai)

I truly had no idea what it meant, I was never allowed to mix with any other kids before Standard 1 hence was never exposed to any rude words! That was how unpolluted I was! LOL! Luckily my class teacher soon realized that I didn't even know what "粗话" meant, and the 3 monkeys got canned again.

The last day of class, another rebellious boy who often argued with me pulled my hair and banged my head on the door super hard. The painful hump on my head lasted for a month. I didn't tell my parents until months later.

My Standard 1 pretty much ended like that. The rest I forgot already.

Standard 2

Still the class monitor. Somehow my class became the most notorious in the afternoon session (Standard 1 to 3). Still writing down people's names on blackboard. But this time no more threatening from elder siblings; a cousin pair in my class beat me up during recess. One of them was the boy who banged my head on the door... he will appear many times later in this post so let me nickname him... er... Indon. (No offense to Indonesians! OMG so this means I imply that.... heh)

So I went back home with bruises lor. My dad was damn pissed lor and he called Indon's home. His mother picked up and had a loooong fight over the phone with my dad wtf. She defended her son lah, and then somehow they managed to come to an agreement... Then the next day the cousins became my protectors??? And then we made noise together and got canned together wtf. Don't ask me about this part, I had no idea how it turned out like that too hahaha.

Standard 3

Got elected to be the Head Girl for the afternoon session. Usually the Head Boy is the head and the Head Girl is the assistant head but the teachers made me the head (正团长, i.e. the Head Boy was ranked under me). My job was to control the discipline of all students in afternoon session when they gathered in the school hall before classes (because we lack classrooms, afternoon session had to wait for morning session to dismiss) and to make sure all prefects of the afternoon session carried out their duties.

We had tuition classes in school on Saturday to prepare for PTS. (you can skip Standard 4 and go to Standard 5 straight if you passed. I passed but my parents chose not to let me skip. PTS was abolished the next year i.e. my year was the last batch that sat for it) And on Saturday, prefects from the afternoon session were off duties because we had the tuition in the morning. So that was when I could play like a monkey with other classmates during the recess time :D We played hide and seek etc at a forbidden area behind the classroom block :D

But finally came the day we got caught... The assistant principal from morning session came running into the area and simply canned us while we escaped. That time the Head Boy was on one of the palm trees wtf. In the end all of us got canned in front of the class hahahaha.

And some students who thought that the Head Boy was the head reported to the teacher in charge for prefects in the afternoon session that 正团长 climbed onto the tree. So she thought that I climbed onto the tree. Fml. I didn't even have a chance to clarify because she never confronted me!

FMLTTM then one day I didn't go around and checked if all prefects carried put their duties during recess and got caught by the teacher in charge. She asked me to stand in the corridor and scolded me while all other students gathered and watched. She was like pulling my prefect tie and said "don't think that your rank as the Head Prefect is secure huh, one day I might rip this tie off your collar" something like that. And of course all other teachers heard about this plus the tree-climbing accusation...

I think that was when prejudice about me was formed among the teachers? No?

Some time later, I was teaching my friend in class (I scored the highest total mark in my year) and I said something like “不是这个答案啦傻瓜” (this is not the right answer lah dummie) and the teacher overheard. Once again the teacher told other teachers and the next day my class teacher asked me not to be so proud of myself and teased other classmates by calling them 傻瓜. The class teacher even told my mom. My mom scolded me gao gao and I felt damn 冤枉 because I never intended to degrade my classmate or felt more superior than them... 傻瓜 is derogatory term meh? Sounds cute what? '__'

Since then, whatever I said was interpreted with bias, and I started to notice that more and more teachers disliked me. The teachers even constantly told other classes that "it's okay if you do not score high mark, never ever be like Tey Sin Ruow from the first class who scores the highest but has the worst attitude and discipline" until the day I graduated.

How I got to know? Because my friends from other classes and teachers who knew me better told me.

(Say it to my face if you really thought I did wrong. Are talking at the back + propaganda-ing to spoil reputation the right ways to treat a misbehaved 9 y/o child?)

One time I lost a coloring competition held by some local association because my dad insisted that I should add something in the background, but the rule stated that we were not allowed to draw anything extra. I didn't win any prizes in that competition. The next day, one of the teachers who had never taught me before told her class that "活该那个郑欣柔,假厉害啦,规则讲不可以加东西还去加,以为自己很厉害画,结果连安慰奖都没有。所以做人不要假厉害。骄傲的下场就是失败。"
(That Tey Sin Ruow, act smart lah, went against the rules and drew extra things thinking that she is very good at drawing, in the end she didn't even win a consolation prize. So never act smart. Arrogance will only bring failure.)

When my friend from that class told me, I almost cried but I managed to hold it till I got home. My dad was damn guilty and pissed. He wanted to talk to the teacher but my mom stopped him because she was afraid that the teacher would dislike me even more and influenced other teachers to. Sigh. Why do such dark politics exist in primary school???

Standard 4

Didn't get elected to be a prefect, thanks to the misunderstanding that I climbed onto the palm tree + caught not carrying out my duty + rumors about how cocky I was.

Elected to be the class monitor again, and it was the worst year of my primary school period, thanks to the awesome class teacher.

It was the year when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. I was very close to him, the happening bothered me very much. The class teacher caught me not paying attention in class for many times and sent me to the assistant principal. He thought I looked down on what my class teacher taught in class because it was too easy for me. He asked if I regretted not skipping Standard 4. I denied all his speculations.

In the end he asked if there was something else on my mind that bothered me, I almost cried but I shook my head because my mom warned me not to tell anybody about my grandpa being diagnosed with cancer.

So I continued getting caught for not paying attention in class; I think this was when I started behaving as how the rumors described me: rebellious, cocky, bitchy..... I am not sure. I didn't really realize whether I changed in how I portrayed myself to others because people had been calling me arrogant anyway... But I think the rumors sipped into me. I started to develop the arrogant mentality since people labelled me so. It's like, since you call me a bitch I might as well show you a real one kinda effect. I am not sure.

My grandfather passed away on June 3rd, 5 days before my birthday. He used to buy me birthday cakes every year. That was the first year my I stopped having birthday celebration... till now.

Meanwhile, I started getting busy with practice for district-level competitions. Little did I know, when I was not in class for practice, some people started influencing others to dislike me and some of them formed an alliance. I got to know that one among them whom I treated as a dear friend actually pestered people to join her in disliking me at my back. I continued to treat her nicely, even buying her birthday gift, hoping that what I heard was not true and even if it was true, I could possibly get her to like me again.

But I failed.

We used to have spelling tests every day. She was the one I exchanged spelling book with for marking. And because we were lazy to do corrections, we pakat and let each other change to the correct answer before handing in the books for grading. The day when I left the class for competition, she reported me to the teacher. 

So you know what happened next. I was embarrassed in front of the whole class... And here added another negative label of me: dishonest.

Again, another day when I went for practice, my class teacher decided to tell the whole class that she thought I have attitude issues and that she decided to take off the class monitor title from me after one month. She warned the whole class not to tell me anything, claiming that she wanted to see if I would changed within this one month and if I did, she would give me chance.

What I don't understand is, as a teacher, if you think I have attitude issues, why didn't you tell me exactly what behavior/speech I should avoid instead of telling the whole class that you want to see if I would change within one month? What made you think that I would suddenly "change" if I never even realized what attitude issues I had??? Shouldn't you pinpoint me instead of telling the whole class you planned to embarrass me after a month? How could I fucking know that I had to change without you telling me??????

When the day came, a friend couldn't resist and told me about it. I was shocked.

So the class teacher instructed me to stand in front. She asked me if I thought that I was qualified to continue to be the class monitor.

I said no. She asked why.

I said I dunno why but I didn't want that responsibility anymore. She said she had a discussion with the whole class earlier and they all agreed that I was not qualified, so she had decided to change the class monitor. I said okay, acting as indifferent as I could.

I could see that she was surprised I didn't get upset. I could also see that many of my classmates were happy to watch the whole drama. I didn't know what to feel. Perhaps I deserved it because I never acted humble?

(quoting my boyfriend, the irony of people being proud about being humble.)

Later I sneaked two books out of the library because I really wanted to read both books and my reading speed was fast. I thought it wasn't much of a big deal but again, someone reported to my class teacher, and she accused me of stealing books from the library and checked my bag in class. Up till this point I didn't hate her yet because the next day she lent me her own book Little Prince to bring home to read and I was touched and guilted for not following the rules.

I'm still in love with this book and I bought the English version as Valentine's gift to Soong Kit. It's really a beautiful that would break your heart if there is any innocence left within you... 

And then came the last incident of the year.

Every end of year, students who were qualified for PBTN would return the textbooks to the school and line up to get another set of textbooks for the next year. Some students from the another class purposely tore the pages to the old, wrinkled textbooks they got to exchange for textbooks in better condition. The teachers got to know about this later on that day and they wanted to find out who did that.

All students who got brand-new-looking textbooks became the suspects. Including me.

My brilliant class teacher had us standing in class and questioned us one by one, forcing us to admit that we did it. Half of us who were suspected started crying when our denial did not convince the class teacher, but I was very egoistic, I tried my best to act cool and fearless. Since her confronting tactics did not work (but in fact the real culprits were not from my class okay), she decided to let the rest of the class vote.

She asked everyone else to write in a small piece of paper if they happened to know who was/were the culprits, but the way she instructed it was misleading. Most people ended up writing who they thought to be the culprits.

And hooray I and my best friend at that time (now no more. She will appear again later so let me nickname her.... Tooty?) got the most votes! :D We were sent to the assistant principal's room and got canned :D Tooty cried like mad that day and the next day her parents dashed to assistant principal's room :D :D :D because the real culprits were found and it meant that we got canned without reason :D happy not? Nothing was done to redeem the mistakes though.

I know most of my classmates love this class teacher, I know she might have been a good teacher to others but I really can't think of her highly although I don't hate her now. I am sorry.

Standard 5

Wrote a love letter to the boy I had a crush on (he replaced me to be the class monitor) and got rejected with rage (don't like me then don't like me lah why so pissed???) and due to ego I fought with him physically hahahaha wtf. 

Tooty was no more my best friend, because one time she ignored me and played 石子 with others and I got mad then she got mad also and we never made up. Anyway her aunt (also a teacher at my school) kept telling her not to get close to me because I would bring bad influence to her so I think it was still sooner or later even without me getting mad over that stupid small matter... But then later she accused me of stealing the fluorescent sticker of another friend's when in fact it was really a misunderstanding. I asked the friend "do you mind giving me one piece?" and she shook her head so I thought she meant she didn't mind but what she meant was that she didn't want to give me. Tooty and I were not in bad terms after that but bye bye friendship.

Then I got close to another gang of girls and we frequently wrote letters to each other to talk about our 心事 hahaha wtf.

Also.... *drumroll* a girl from another class wrote me a letter and we started being pen-pals. She was the only person I trusted whole-heartedly that time. I still have no idea how she managed to see through the walls I put up around me regardless of my reputation and decided to shoot me with a letter! Probably mere admiration hahahahaha. But somehow we got busy during high school and stopped writing letters to each other already :( and I never made the effort to keep in touch lah haiz. If you are reading this please know that I really appreciate your support and understanding over the years and I really love you!

Meanwhile... I started reminding myself to beware of what I said because I wanted to get people to like me, but it didn't work, either I still talked lansi or the prejudice was too deep-rooted.

I think it was a bit of both.

Standard 6

I finally decided to pick up the bitch role and stop caring whether people like me or not. Formed an alliance called S6 with the girls thinking that we were very cool hahahaha. Had fights occasionally (mostly over the boys stuff hahaha) but remained close. Developed my first and second puppy relationships *shy* lololol. To be honest I don't remember anything else lah I think my main focus of the year was on the puppy love~ =^_^= aiyer hahahahaha.

I occasionally flipped my own table in class and flipped a guy's table once after punching his back because he poured water on my head... Siao wan I stood in the corridor and he suddenly came and created fake rain... -_- And flipping table fucking annoyed a lot of people in my class because we kept our textbooks and dictionaries in the drawer, so once a table was flipped everything fell out and created noise and mess. Okay maybe I did flip other tables too. I think I also occasionally threw people's stuff out the window (our classroom was on the 4th level) when they pissed me off... Aiyer really bad-tempered and violent lah, dunno how I still managed to have puppy love wan lololololol.

Yes this used to be my hobby.

Busiest year ever because I represented my school in almost all district-level competitions, especially those related to public speaking (speech giving/poem recitation/story telling). My class teacher was my coach and the principal drove me to almost every competition and they liked me :D proving that my attitude issues, if there were any at all, were not that bad after all okay? ALL teachers who talked bad about me were those who NEVER taught me before wtf. And I greeted all teachers when I bumped into them, but some just pretended that they didn't hear me... yet they called me arrogant and no manners?????

I actually had the permission to not complete homework because I was really busy like hell, but because my classmates were unhappy about how unfair it was that I never got caught and punished for that (they didn't know I had the permission), the teachers actually canned me in class and explained to me after class haha. But I didn't feel mistreated at all because these teachers were truly good to me and never judged me the way other teachers said about me.

At the end of the year I was awarded the title Model Student. Right after the ceremony, those teachers who disliked me said that I did not deserve the title and wanted to sign a petition to get the principal take back the title from me... But they didn't in the end. 

On the last day of school, my class teacher asked me to apologize to all teachers in school and ask for forgiveness if I ever offended them in any ways, because she didn't want them to continue talking bad about me after I graduated. I said okay. 

But I didn't do it.

How the fuck could I possibly offend you in any ways when we never had interactions at all??? Greeting you also considered as an insult is it? Why the fuck do I have to apologize for the prejudice you have on me??? Even if I do have attitude issues shouldn't it be your responsibility as a teacher to point those out to me and guide me to change??? Want me to apologize some more walao eh what sorcery is this?!

That's it about my primary school years. I didn't include all the back-stabbing cases because I don't want to  be so petty calculating those small ones... Most people who back-stabbed me during primary school were okay with me during secondary school, and back-stabbing during primary school period is pretty common I think? We were all too young to know what we were doing... I did it too, for revenge.

I never betrayed any of my good friends before they betrayed me. Here I said it.

I didn't feel sad at all during graduation. I was so fucking excited that I could finally start a new life at a new institution, so happy and relieved that I could even shed tears. I thought to myself, finally the stress, worries, anger, hatred could come to an end..... (but no it wasn't the end)

And guess what? After I graduated the teachers changed their testimonial and praised me for my performance in school and said that I was just "too act cool" compared to my brother. Really siao one.

I don't think they have any idea how deeply their prejudice affected me... Every time I was told about what they talked about me, I got insomnia and throughout the years, I felt really wounded. The feeling of being disliked + accused of things you never did was not something you could ever imagine. Bear in mind that I was only a child that time. It sounds not much of a big deal now, but if you experience bullies and denial during such childhood years... it meant the whole world to you. It shapes how you view the society, molds  how you portray yourself and it definitely affects how you interact with people. All your future friendships and relationships cannot run away from its influence.

Till now, I don't think there was a problem with not hiding my confidence... Yes I admit that I got really lansi dunno since when, but... I think it's just the hypocritical standard of Chinese society about humility which requests talented/smart people to portray themselves as lowly as possible. For many years I blamed myself and thought that I deserved the hatred+bias, but it was never wholly my fault because nobody taught me what exactly I did wrong to earn those labels (except the going against rules part) and what I should do to have those labels removed.

And you know how prejudice and pride are hard to remove once formed.

Towards the end of secondary school years, those people who used to dislike me found me more friendly  and said I have changed. When I asked them how I was like in primary school, they said I was cocky as fuck but failed to give me even just one instance how I was cocky... I am not trying to deny anything, I just think that the truth is... I never changed. They changed.


(to be continued in Part 2)

ps: I spent hours to write and you finish reading within minutes, so you shall check out (i.e. CLICK) the ads on my blog to give me some insignificant monetary consolation as a sign of moral support...... you can also like my page, follow me on twitter, promote my blog etc. Hahahaha