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I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A dream about my ex-crush

Few days ago, I dreamed about holding hands and cuddling with......

Not Rabbit lah. Those are my real lashes btw.

...... my last crush. *'__'*


Fine, not really my last crush lah! To be specific, he is the last ex-crush (has never been my boyfriend) who managed to give me the butterflies-in-stomach kind of feeling.

Because he was (and still is) the most good-looking Asian-eyed guy I have ever met!

Now tell you the story about me and him... And I will be extra careful not to let you know the exact time this story took place. Bluek :P

Once upon a time, we were taking one same class (could be a high-school tuition class or a college course :P) but have never talked to each other. I think it was me who broke the ice first. I got his phone number from somebody, then we had a few conversations (in texts) over the phone. The conversations were pleasurable and some were rather personal, so I kept a hope. Yet I couldn't tell whether he was interested because it was always me who started texting after the previous text session.

When I finally threw a few obvious hints, he sorta... backed off, replying things about how I wouldn't understand his inferiority. I was wondering, why the sudden change in attitude? So I tried to recall every details of our interactions, over the phone and in real life (not that over the phone is unreal). And then--


I turned him down so fucking many times when he sent me signals that he was interested to get closer.

There was once I bumped into him at the corridor. Just the two of us. I saw him coming from the opposite direction and continued walking with my eyes looking at the floor. He took a few bigger steps and blocked my way by standing right in front of me. I stepped to the right and continued walking, left him behind me without uttering a sound and making any eye contact.

It was awkward. He walked off and I was like wtf just happened.

Another time we were walking down the staircase with his and my friends (not mutual friends). He was right next to me. He whispered my name but I pretended like I never heard him. He poked me but I kept walking without looking at him.

When we were in class, I looked away everytime he turned his face towards my direction. Once he texted and complained about how boring the class was. I ignored him. Another time he caught me looking at him, so he texted to tease me. I sternly denied that I was looking at him.

And when he asked to have a study session with me I dragged another friend along.

Cuz I thought all those were just his attempts to make fun of me.


Someone kill me please. 

How could I dismiss all the signals and fuck up all the chances just because of my pretentious shyness?!

So what if he was really just trying to make fun of me. Even so it could mean something.

Of course I could undo his ego bruises if I told him I was just shy/nervous and did not mean to be hostile/cold, but I didn't--because I couldn't lay down my own fucking ego either!

After a few weeks, I heard rumors about him and a girl getting very close. I asked him, he said they were just friends. I told him I didn't believe, yet he never did anything to prove himself. No further explanation. I did not text him anymore because final examination was at the corner. He said he would ask me out after the exam.

But he didn't. And I did not try to contact him. Life went on...

Not the end of the story yet lol. After half a year, something happened and proved that he and that girl were really just friends.


He and a girl whom I never though he had relation to become couple 

Out of curiosity (and jealousy, I must admit), I stalked his girlfriend on FB and found her blog. In one of the post, she wrote about what he told her when she lacked confidence and felt inferior......

GUESS WHAT?! What he told her was exactly what I used to tell him!

Should I be happy???
They are together for a loooooooooooong time already (I nearly wrote in exact how many months/years lol) and she still uses that particular idea that I used to motivate him whenever she feels down!

I dunno how I should feel about it.

In my dream, I confronted him about the confident-boosting concept and the online name suggested by me which he was still using until recently. He blushed and admitted that he had feelings for me and the feelings were not over yet! (I know our interactions were so puppy and chances are low that I am the reason but blah! Lemme be self-absorbed! LOL!)

Then I asked him to dump his girlfriend and come with me. He nodded, looked into my eyes *melt*, tilted his head closer and--

Mood spoiler! His girlfriend popped up in the background! His girlfriend's family and all his friends popped up too! WTF why all my sweet dreams consist of spoilers huh?!

They ran towards us. We held hands and started running. Next, we reached a magic door. We ran through the door and turned transparent. We thought the escape was over, but soon we found out that our transparency was fading away a little by a little and the crazy people started chasing after us again! We continued running and reached another door. Behind the door was a huge black hole.

We turned and saw the running people getting near, looked at each other, took a deep breath and jumped--

We landed on a desert island! This time there's no more interruption! Yippieeeeeee!!!

I gave him a slutty stare. He blinked rapidly and bit his lower lip. (hahaha comedy or what?) I signaled him to come over. He made his move. And then I did something impressive which ended this seduction...

I woke up. @#$%^&*!!!

Anyway, I don't have feelings for him since loooooooong time ago, and I won't have feelings for him even if both of us are available now. My taste for men has changed. I'm just jealous that he courted his girlfriend but never really hit on me when I took the first move to get to know him!

Human's jealousy is weird. Sometimes it's not that we want that somebody/something that much, we get jealous just because that somebody/something we missed/dumped is now owned by some other people.

Actually I do think his girlfriend is cute but I am way hotter leh.

Even my phone chio-er than hers. Wtf.

<abrupt end>


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