Instagram feed ✿

I write verbose posts about polyamory, love, lust, and self-discovery on my other blog Victoria's Imaginarium.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Love me. As simple as this.

Monologue: With some changes made, I hereby dedicate my old mumble and new spasm to you.

You are endowed with the ability to hurt me—because I love you.

I used to isolate myself from everyone and everything to bring myself back into solitude, listening to my own heartbeat. Not that I want to. I need to. Have been kept imprisoned at home for seventeen and a half year that boredom and loneliness sound too familiar to me, yet I had never learned how to cope well with them. Never. And it is nearly impossible that I would get myself to deal with them on purpose. Something I have no control over is, the need tends to strike me once in a while. Pushing me away from all scenes, all voices. Away from all that I love and those I hate. Away from the crowd and my loving friends. Away from you.

Yes I need to be away from you.

It is only when I am alone I can see things clearly. Some magic that only distance can do. Partly because I never seem to be able to figure out the distance-should-be between many things—such as the one between dreams and expectations; as well as beliefs and reality. When I can see the line between privilege being a close friend and privacy of theirs, I’m lost in balancing love and self. And I’m still wondering what should be the safest distance between you and me.

So now you see how similarly it works—when I’m away from you I can feel precisely how I feel. This is the only gauge that enables me to measure the depth of my love.

Something I frequently remind myself is not to take your existence in my life for granted. I simply do not want to forget how long I have been waiting for someone so lovely to be in my life. And when life gives me surprise by making you in my sight a routine, I know I’m supposed to be even more appreciative. Apparently, this is why I’m doing it right now… even though I’m still in a pretty big confusion.

A bad habit of mine (and at the same time a good habit that save my ass), I will not risk myself when I am not provided with enough certainty that my love is not going to go to waste. “Incurable,” my inner soul said. I am not too sure, in fact. It could be just that I keep my love unspoken until I’m strongly convinced. Convinced that the loved one loves me. Probably has developed this habit due to some unpleasant experiences—my childhood and early teenage years I guess? Which haunts me in ways that I could never totally get rid of?

But tonight I feel so different—as if my true longings are finally coming to the surface after my severe suppression. I want to surrender. I want to dig my heart out and hand it to you, regardless of how you are going to do to it; be it a hit, a stab or a tear…… or even if you are going to slice it. I can tell that right at this moment I feel like I want to risk my life and my soul for you, and to get some love from you. That I want to be under you, I want to moan I want to scream your name I want us to be in extreme pleasure. I want to look into your eyes and say the three suicidal words to you.

Never been wanting you so badly.

If you could see what love can do to me you will understand. Love, it is my personal drug—like how blood is to a vampire—which keeps me alive yet never conscious and makes me wanting for more, more and more until your love overflows me. I can’t help being incredibly fragile when I fall in love, the walls around me crumble, and if you show a sign that it’s over I will immediately fall into pieces right in front of you. Just one click; and I shatter. It IS this dangerous; which is why I often stay in my circle and play safe.

Until you come along. Until you drive me out of my mind, making me want to take play all suicidal policies in all suicidal ways. Day by day I am getting more suicidal as my love deepens. I have no idea how long I can stand this addiction. No more a law onto myself. My one and only savior now is YOU.

I am naked. Nakedly waiting for your love to dress me up. Waiting for you to again hold my hands and wrap me in your arms and make me feel like I am in heaven. Waiting for your kiss to awaken me. I am especially anxiously waiting for our happily-ever-after to come to pass.

Baby I entrust my heart to you, look after it.

I am yours. I love you.

Crazenne (2009).

No comments:

Post a Comment